Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I am hurting so bad, and I can't even talk about it.

I am constantly fighting a battle with myself, because there are options in my head that I am dying, just for considering them.  But there are things I am not able to handle.  I am trying so hard to be everything I can not.  I am trying so hard....

I am going through a lot of things right now, and I don't want to talk.  I just want to vent, but the outlets I have I can not use, and the people I want to, I can't.

I am so lost.

When do I get to be happy for real?

I love You

Goodnight blog world. I will update on a regular basis again someday....

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

.......To You......

I love you

I guess I just wasn't where you needed me.....

I am sorry


Sunday, July 25, 2010

I Don't Know Where To Begin....

I left everyone hanging, and for that I am sorry.....

So the past month or so has been, an adventure, to say the least.

I have no idea where to begin, as usual, lol, and I want to tell you all some things I have to keep to myself, but I will talk to you as best as I can....

June 22, that was the day that I became a we, and I am loving it.   He makes me smile, even when there is nothing that I want to smile about.  He takes care of me, especially when I need it most, and having him in my bed every night has made my dreams so much better.  I don't know if he knows it, but I try to show him how much I care.  I hope he knows, god, I hope he knows.

I am starting to try and get back on track in life.  I am planning on getting back into school, I have a job that pays me, and I am almost caught up on all my bills(other than student loans).

My boyfriend and I are kind of freaks. We love to have someone else involved with us, which keeps things kind of spicy.  But we are also pretty picky, so we arent just messing around with random people.....we are smart, and safe about it.

Work is kind of crazy. I am sort of tired of where I am, employment wise, but I don't want to quit.  I like the people I work with, and I like having the money to pay my bills.  It just sucks that I am minimum wage, when it is impossible to survive on a job that would pay 10 dollars an hour.  I keep trying to save money to pay for my phone, but it is complicated when you are only bringing in 150 bucks a week, and having to buy your own food, toiletries, pay back bills, and try to help your parents.  I know people think that I should be able to save, but it gets very hard when I can't get ahead a little bit.  I am seriously thinking about getting another job, just so I can make some money to save.  I don't know how I am going to do it in the fall though when I get back into classes.

I am just going to have to take it one step at a time....like I have done all my life.

I know this sounds sooooo repetitive, but I am seriously missing traveling the country, working with exotic animals, trying to raise the awareness and donations for my favorite rescue organization.  I think I have posted a link before, but I am going to again.  I used to work for the GW Exotic Animal Park based in Oklahoma, but I quit to take care of some personal issues, and work out my problems at home.  Well, and I say this a lot, not a day goes by that I don't think about it, and I think about the what if's....It just happens, and I know I shouldn't dwell, but who knows....

I keep thinking about my boyfriend, and I have so much I want to tell everyone about him, and I, but I am starting to keep more to myself for personal reasons, plus I don't trust my current employer not to use something they read in my blog against me, even though it is kind of illegal ish.

I am going to let you guys go for now, but I am going to try and update regularly again.  It has been so complicated

Love You

Wednesday, June 30, 2010



Ok, so I have absolutely no access to the interwebs so my socialite status is falling....and I am dying not being able to blog to all my followers, and not be able to get on Facebook, or Myspace(yeah, yeah, I know), or Formspring.

Any way, Um, I have a boyfriend, and absolutely happy with him
I just got him a gift the other day that I know he loves.

I want to update more, but I am at a friends having some fun, and I can't waste time online...


Friday, June 11, 2010

So a short lil update....ish. lol

I don't know where to begin. So much has been happening, and I can not remember all that has happened since the last post of mine.   I know that I have to write a few more letters, and I have so much to talk about to let you guys know that I am happy.  I just really don't know where to start. Ask me things, I don't know what to say. lol

There is a guy that I am talking to, well, again.
Years ago, even before I had come out of the closet, there was a boy, he went to another school than mine, but some how we met online and talked.  Well, after time went on I developed a monster crush on him.  I can honestly say that he was my first crush.  Unfortunately, as we grew up, and time progressed, we drifted apart, and never talked.
Fast forward to a couple weekends ago, and guess who I see at the bar, WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!
Yupp! Boy! and he was looking fine!
Well, he had a man at the moment, and I kind of played a roll in breaking that up, but in my defense, his boyfriend is a douche, and a bad person, and one of the few people I would go to jail for kicking their ass
We are talking now, but I am fearing a lot of things.  Plus I feel like that I have caught him in a lie already, and my foresight has been giving me glimpses that I am not sure are the future, or just my fears manifesting themselves in my minds eye.  It sucks though, because I am not usually wrong, and this is one of the times I am begging not to be right.

Work has been good, it's a lot of fun with my co-workers, but society as a whole are douche bags. I hate working with people.  God I miss animals.

I wish I could find a better paying job though.  Minimum wage is killing me.  It doesn't help that all I hear from some of my closest friends is how I need to be saving money, but I am not making more than 160 dollars a check.  Maybe if I was making lots of money, I wouldn't have a problem saving and paying off my old bills. I wouldn't be trying to get my school loans deferred, I wouldn't be without a cell phone, I would NOT be living at home. But I do not have the luxury of making a lot of money every check.
Now, I do spend my money, I buy alcohol for myself on the weekends, and a chaser, and pay my way into the bar on the one night we get hit with a cover. I also buy my food, and tip my waitress when we go out.  So when you look at me, like you know better than me, and that I am a child, it pisses me off, because in three nights of all that, it takes most of my money. The rest I spend on the food that feeds me maybe once a day while I am working.  It makes it tough to even think about paying my back bills when I can not even pay for my food all week.

Another rant.

If one more straight person talks to me about their failing relationships, or talk to me about their friends relationships, I might slap the hell out of them.  As a gay man, I hear that we are the sexually promiscuous ones, the ones who sleep around, the ones who die alone.  But all I am seeing from the straight friends is all that shit.  Most of the gay people I know don't just hop into bed with someone they met at the fraternity party they happen to be at that night.  No, that is left to the straight people.
So the next time I hear the shit, and the drama, I am going to laugh, and tell you to keep it in your pants, maybe you will be happier after about 6 months, when you realize that sex is not the only thing in the world.

I hope that I am pissing people off tonight.
I am all of a sudden.

Oh yeah. Lesbians have more drama than I could have ever imagined.
Just saying.

I don't know what to say people.  I want to talk about sooooo much more, but like I said before, I do not know where to start.....or continue. lol


Thursday, June 10, 2010

So So Sorry...!

I haven't been able to get on my laptop because the internet I connect to has not been coming in real well, I am really sorry for not being able to post. I am going to try in the next couple of days, even if it takes typing it out first, than copy and paste. lol

He makes me Smile!!!!!


Monday, May 24, 2010

just wanting to rant, and the such....

"If you see him, tell him I wish him well.  How am I doing? Well sometimes it's hard to tell, I still miss him more than ever, but please don't say a word, if you see him, oh if you see him"
~If You See Him/If You See Her, Reba McEntire with Brooks and Dunn~

I had a dream last night about a couple people in my life, some of them very important, some of them I have always known will be passing through.

Lately, especially when I am drinking, my mind stops registering everything else except for the emotions I am feeling, the stronger they are, the stronger I remember them.  Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me I need to feel more, to stop pushing things aside.  Maybe I need to confront a couple of things that I am not looking to come close to yet....

In my dream, I felt happy.  The kind of happy that I have not really felt in a while.  I am not saying that I am not happy now, but this was a different happy, an amazing, once in a lifetime happy.  I remember someone, I remember their heartbeat, or mine....ours?  I guess I will have to wait and see if it comes true.  In the mean time, I want to address this thing, this "love" that everyone keeps "falling" into.

First, I want to say, I believe that you can fall into love, just as you can fall out of love.  While it is meant to be, and should be, for a lifetime, not all love is created equal, and in life as we change and as the people we interact with change, the love that was once there must thus change also.
Second, I want to say that anyone who thinks they are in love after any shorter of a period than at the very least a year...A YEAR!!!!....is foolish and asking for heartbreak.  I believe that "love", and "in love" are two very different things, and it is all to easy to confuse them.

I wouldn't mind to keep going on this subject, but well, love is just a little boring to me right now.

I also want to send out a FUCK YOU to all you assholes, and bitches, who go to a grocery store, and think that you can treat the employees like they are the earth that you walk on.... Guess what...You are the shit of the earth if you think that you are any better than anyone else.  These people are giving you time out of their days to come into work, and put up with your bullshit day in and day out. What the fuck are you doing to make their day better, because they are stocking everything you are looking at, they are getting the carts that you use, they are asking you if you need help, they are caring about you, not only as a customer, but as a human being, they are ringing you up, and dealing with your bullshit, and they are bagging your groceries.  
So, what they hell are you doing for them?
Just saying, if you are having a bad day, or something just isn't going right in your life, do not come to the store that day thinking it is o.k. to treat the employees like your personal punching bags.  You are not that important, and someday, you are going to do it to the wrong employee, and they are going to snap.  Have you ever had to deal with an angry blue collar worker?  It is not pretty, and we will fuck your shit up.

One more thing, when I am walking, do not, I will repeat, DO NOT! think you are hard when you yell out your window at me.  I can not hear you with my headphones in, so it is useless to try and offend me.  Also, it makes you the Pussy Boy, hiding in your car.  Get out, and give me a reason to kick your ass, because I don't think your hard, I think your a power bottom looking for the fantastic top that is me. 

Relationships need to take a lot longer in life, than a couple weeks, with an expiration soon after its start.
Don't play games in a relationship, and don't lie.  If you say you like someone for any period of time, and the moment you are through say that you never felt anything, you are fooling yourself, and only fucking yourself over.  That lie right there makes you about 100 times easier to get over.

Alright, getting off my little tangents.  I am super pumped for the next couple of months.  I am going to be working on a couple things, that I am hoping will help me out, if not immediately, in the long run.  I have a couple surprises for some people also, but I have to wait till I have a little more money on my hands.

One last thing, I keep lying to the most important person in my life, ME!, and so far it has done me well.
I am avoiding talking to certain people in my life, trying to see if I was foolish or not for like them.  I keep telling myself that I don't think about them, and it actually works, but one of their birthdays is coming up, and I want to send them flowers.  Unfortunately, as far as I know they don't think about me, and I do not want to be the only one to care about someone.  I want there to be a mutuality to the relationships that I ever have, and I am not trying to waste my time getting all caught up on someone who will never be caught up on me.

Anyways, I think that I am talking to much, and I just wanted to make small rants.  I guess if you are reading this though you care about my life, and my happenings, and maybe, you care about me.

Goodnight my friends,


Monday, May 10, 2010

I feel like Letter Three

"Hoping to find a friend and a lover, God bless the day I discover, another heart, looking for love"
~Looking for Love~ Waylon Jennings

Just an update before I give you Letter Three.

Working a lot for minimum wage is not worth it, I can still barely start to pay any bills.  I know that this is super repetitive, seeing as I talk about it all the time, but I seriously think about working with my old job every single day of my life.
Went to a somewhat local zoo, one I had never been to before, but have always heard great reviews about.  I think that having worked for one, even though I have never been to the park I worked for as an employee, I was far from impressed.  My friend Katie, who I went with and was an employee at the park we worked for, also pointed out more things that I would not have noticed as readily.  The one thing that upset me the most was it looked as though these animals do when their will is broken.  The one spider monkey they had was lethargic, and had moved about 4 feet upwards the entire time we were there.  It was seriously the one thing that has stuck in my mind the most.  I worked closely with a spider monkey while I was touring, and I can remember not a single moment that he was ever lethargic.  Three months.  That was how long I worked, which may not seem like very long at all, but imagine being with an animal every moment, every day.  It adds up.
These animals at this zoo, they looked closer to death than I have ever wanted to see.  Their eyes had shown they gave up living, and were only existing till their bodies gave in.
Now, not all was bad at this park, their enclosures for the most part were super spacious, and they had a great variety of animals.  The animals that are of a domesticated type seemed happy, I even made a new goat friend I named Billeh.(Get it Billy. Lol)  The family's that were there visiting seemed happy, and the children were so excited to see all the animals.  I am glad there is a chance for them so close to home.  I think with a little work, this park could be much better, but my disappointment stems from previous work with a rescue organization.  I am thinking that soon, I am at least going to go and talk to the people who run the zoo, see if they have any plans to work on, and maintain their zoo a bit better in my opinion.

Ok, I want to type you guys letter three.  This one is about my first kiss...I hope you enjoy.

Dear Teacher(no not like school or college),

I remember seeing you the week that I moved into the First Street Residence Hall at the University of Michigan - Flint.  It was going to happen sooner or later, you were employed by the university, and were living in the hall.  That is all I am going to say about your personal life, I know people know who you are, but I want to let you have your privacy.
We talked here and there, over the time leading up to our meeting.  Maturity wise, I was not as far as I am now, and you were, at least what I thought, more mature than me.  I think that was the biggest thing that attracted me to you.  You were older than me, and in ways, more mature than me, but not so far to be a boring person.  And you had amazing eyes....
One night, I was in a friends room, talking to you on the computer, and our conversation turned to a more personal chat.  I started showing my innocence, talking about how little I had done, and how I was trying to find someone to learn from, while doing a little bit more.  I kind of played up to the fact you had said earlier you had been drinking.  Well, soon enough you were inviting me to your room, I had said I was looking to cuddle more than anything.
Fast forward about 10 minutes, and I am standing in your room.  Your bed is lofted on the right, opposite corner, a desk immediately to my right.  On my left is a keyboard, and I think to myself, wondering if you can play at all.  I decide it makes you about 2 times hotter just having it.
You were standing behind me, and you close the door as you turn the light off.  I walk to the ladder standing close to it, seeing the outline of your body as you slip your t-shirt over your head. The rustle of fabric falling to the floor as you slide your pants down and step out of them.  My heart starts beating a little faster, when I move to take my clothes off, I struggle a little bit with shirt.  Even though it is dark, and only outlines can be seen, I hurry up the ladder in my underwear, to lay down.  I am very self conscience and I don't want to risk you seeing my body.  I can see you coming up the ladder, and as you lie yourself down, my heart starts to race.  We kind of make a little small talk, and I admit that I have never really kissed anyone.  I feel kind of embarrassed, but you just smile and move closer.
The moment your lips come into contact with mine, my heart skips a beat, and flutters, and my body starts to shiver.  In my head I pray that you don't stop, and hope that you don't notice my body and the reactions to your touch.
You start to coach me in things that you have experienced, and things that you like, one kiss on the cheek, a little nibble of the ear, and suddenly we are making out, holding each other close.  I am almost positive that my body is going to burst.  Excitement has me aroused so much, and I can feel your arousal pressing against my leg just as much.
I decide to make this more than just kissing and cuddling, and move my body lower.  Kissing your chin, slowly tracing my fingers, following with my mouth to your bare chest.  I slide my fingers over the band of your boxer briefs, and slowly slip them down your legs, allowing you to pull your legs out one at a time.  Looking up your body, I am ready to start.

We saw each other a couple more nights after that, all of them quite amazing, and I don't think I slept much at all.  I know that every time, I was set on kissing.  The first time I ever did it, and though we don't really talk much anymore, I am reminded every time I kiss someone else that I was taught by you.  It was amazing, and I still don't think that what I have written has done justice to my feelings.

Thank You for my first kiss


This comic cracks me up, and I loved this one. Lol

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


I have been missing in action in the blog lately and I feel like that has not been good for me, and been a little more boring for you.  I hope that no one hates me for it. Haha

I am sitting here getting ready for work, thinking about all the things that were keeping me awake last night, and I think that I should start writing political speeches. Lol.  One giant thing that has been on my mind and on the mind of most of America is gay marriage.  Being a gay man, I do not understand most of the arguments against it, and I am also unable to understand how people can hate, I mean HATE, a human being because they are not the same as them.  I do not understand how a country that believes that it is the "greatest" can allow inequality and discrimination in the 21st century.  I can not understand why Americans can not treat each other as equals.  But, in our history, have we ever not persecuted and condemned minorities?

That is all I want to talk about right now, I don't want to be late for work, and if I keep going, I won't stop till I am finished.  I am going to start asking questions of key people in my life, and I am hoping not to lose them, but in order to change the world, I am not going to stand to have the most important people against me.

Have a great week! I am going to try and get more post's soon.  I know that letter three is long overdue....


Friday, April 23, 2010

Letter Two, Not my best, but I wanted to keep it short......

So lately I have been working.  I think after these next couple paychecks I am going to save a bunch, probably about 800 dollars, and head down to the auction. I am going to go buy myself a car, and then I am going to leave.  Well, maybe not leave, but I will buy myself a car soon.  Plus I have to start saving for my apartment.
Had a lot of other things on my mind, but I don't really feel like talking about them.  I am tired of hearing other peoples advice about what I should do, I  know what I want to do, and I know what I have to do, and I will make them work together for me.  Life is not about balance, because balance is compromise. It is about living, and I think I have been failing to do that lately.  Now I got a job, I am taking my life off the back burner, and turning the heat on high...
On to the second letter of my series.

Dear Keeper of my V-Card, June 9, 2008

That day still stands in my mind.
I am not really sure what I want to say to you, I guess I just want to talk.  I know that a replay of everything doesn't need to happen, I think, or at least hope, you look back at that night every once in a while.  I do.  I mean, it was the first time I connected with a man, well, young man, and I was terrified, yet totally at ease.  I think that if it was with anyone else, I don't think I would have been as happy.  You were the right person for me to cross the boundaries into a new life.  For that I have to say, I am forever in your debt.
Unfortunately you are straight, though I am not so sure, that is what you choose to go by, and I made the mistake of talking to the wrong people about it.  I know I had said I was not going to talk about it, but in my defense, I could not hide the fact I lost my virginity to someone, especially what a great friend that you were, and the opportunity I had to be with you in a way that is shared with few people throughout a person's life.

It was a thursday, the only way I really remember that is because I did not have class the next morning.  My best friend and I, were just getting out of class, and I needed to pay my phone bill.  I guess it was a good thing, because it was a bit overdue, and I am glad that I did.  We were standing in the Sprint store, waiting to talk to someone about a couple of things, when my phone rang.  I look at the screen and see your name, and ask my friend, why you would be calling.  I thought maybe it was to get a hold of her.  You had been pining for her throughout high school.  I press the answer button, and we start talking a little bit.  You tell me the reason you called was to see if I had my sisters number.  I gave it to you, not really caring or anything why you wanted it, and we kept talking.  One thing leads to another, and we decide to hang out after I pay my bill.  Nothing unusual there.

When we get to your house, the three of us just chat for a while, you are on myspace, listening to ICP. You were wearing shorts and a white t-shirt, and some skater shoes. As usual.  I pet your animals, at least one cat, and one dog.  I love animals.

I am amazed that I still remember all of this.

We were only there a little bit, we were planning on going and seeing Wanted, with Angelina Jolie.  Yeah, I remember the movie even.  On our way to the mall, I get on my phone, and send you a message on myspace.  It was simple, short, sweet.  


have you ever done anything, or thought about it, with a guy?


Thats all it said, but those words led to one of the most pivotal moments in anyone's life, more importantly, my life.  The friend I was with, well, I told them I sent the message, and we kind of talked about it, but figured nothing was going to come it.  Even still I kept my phone in my hands throughout the whole movie.  I was hoping that you would reply something.  To my  dismay, nothing happened, no texts, no emails, no IM's.  But well, I had not expected much of anything.  I figured that the answer was just a no, and I left it at that.

Boy was I wrong...

Walking out to the car, it was about eleven when the movie ended, my phone rang.  Who else could it be, but you?  My heart jumped a little bit, I was curious to see what you had to say, so I answered.

"Hey, I'm kind of bored.  Do you guys want to come chill at my house for a little bit?"

"Sure.  We'll be there in a minute, the movie just ended."

"Ok." Click

I was expecting more than that, but it was something, and we were on our way to your house.  I knew that something was going to happen, or at least I was pretty much begging god for it.

Jump forward the short drive to your house, I am sitting in your living room, watching whatever the skating show that you had playing was.  I was getting pretty tired, we had gotten up early for our summer school classes, and I was so ready to sleep in the next morning.  You and my friend were standing at your computer in the kitchen, you were typing and playing different things, and they were leaning on your little island counter.  I figured then that you had called to get to my friend, and I was slightly disappointed, but not hurt or anything.  You come out then, with them, and we just start talking about random things, and you tell us more about the show on the t.v. that I have been watching.  I keep thinking how hot you are compared to those skaters on.  You could definitly do better than them.

There I am dozing off, when you say the best line I have ever heard, or at least for the moment.  You let us know that we can just spend the night at your house, telling us that your parents are gone to Holland for the weekend, and your brother is already in bed sleeping.  I am pretty much down for this, how else was I going to get in the same room with you?  Of course I say sure.  But my friend says they got to go, they want to do somethings at home before bed.  YES!

They head out to their car, you walk them out, and I hear you guys talking, not paying any attention to what about.  It gets quiet, I assume you two hug, and then I hear the car door shut.  You come back in the house, and sit in the chair towards the couch I am laying on.  I hear outside the car start, and the gravel underneath the tires as my friend pulls out.  My senses suddenly go into overdrive.  I am starting to wake up a bit when you say what I never thought I would hear:

"I read your email."


"You wanna head up to my room?"

HOLY SHIT!!!!! No fucking way is this for real!
You lead me up the stairs, to the first door on the left.  Your room.  Your bed is in the opposite corner from the door, against his open closet.  You have posters and a lot of different things written all over your walls.  Even your ceiling has writing from all the visitors that you have had.  I wonder to myself how many of these people have gotten as far as I was about to be.  A shiver ran down my spine, and I smile.

We ended up tangled up in eachother, never kissing, but the closeness, almost intimacy was still there.  We both touched, and smelled, and saw eachother in a rare way, and the feelings, I can only think were mutual.  At one point, we took a break, and you put on some pants, and grabbed your guitar.  I have never admitted it, until now, but the song you wrote, the one you sang, it made me smile.  I am not sure if you sing for all your fucks, but it made me feel like that was right.  I think you really know how to woo a person, once they are already in your bed.  For you, I am not including the details of everything that happened.  I feel it is the least that I can do.

I lost you as a friend, soon after this night.  I broke the promise that I made to you, and for it, I am sorry.  You had asked me not to tell anyone, and I, being young, and stupid, told someone I thought that I trusted.  I have learned from this, and I rarely tell anything to anyone because of the betrayel you have faced, and I have to.  

If by chance, you read this, maybe you can see the impact you had in my life, and the want for that friendship, even a fraction of it, back.  Maybe you can find somehow to forgive me someday.  I am sorry.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Rant To A Best Friend

"And, I know that it's complicated, but I'm a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass, to mend all the broken hearts, with all my wrecked up friends"

Ok. So I am totally writing Letter two right now, but while I am, I want to talk about something else so I thought I would write a different post right now.  I guess I have a couple things that are really bugging me and I want to get them off my chest.

The first is that, and I am not naming any names, and in fact, I am not going to talk about it to much, but I have met a goal on my bucket list that I have been trying to get for a quite some time.  It was pretty awesome, and as much as I want to tell a few people about it, I am just going to keep it to myself.  I have to keep some secrets, or what fun would it be to find someone I can tell everything to?

Second, I have broke the law a bit over the last two days, but doing it gave me a chance to think about things that I have been putting off.  Sometimes, even when I am thinking, I hide from certain things, and this helped me face them a little.  I am not going to say what I did, or what I thought about, but I think that I have really been avoiding too much.  I really haven't been wanting to confront the things that are going to hurt.

Third, This one has really been bugging me.  Especially these last couple days.  Two of my best friends, and two people I trust very much are having a bit of dispute and I think it is getting kind of childish.  I have watch this thing come into life, I have watched it growing bigger, and I have recently seen it rear its big ugly head.

One of my friends, we will call her Beetle met a girl, we will call her Jane, around the same time that I came home, and soon after they started to date. I was pumped for her in all honesty.  Unfortunately, my friend wound up with a broken heart, and this girl, as she has told me, only wants to be friends.  Well, I have been watching this girl play with Beetles heart, and go after another one of my friends, we will call Iron, and I am starting to get sick of it.  She is tearing apart a good friendship, and has absolutely no remorse for it.  Oh yeah, she is still in high school.  I guess that says a lot....
At a party in the recent past, we were all there, a couple of things happened that I am slightly disappointed in.
Jane and Iron ended up going outside, because Jane had been telling Iron a lot of things, and talking about a lot between her and Beetle, and I am not sure all that happened outside, but I know that they ended up kissing, and that was the end.  When they came back in, Iron said she needed to talk to me about something, and that was it, I knew we would talk the next day, when we weren't surrounded by people.
Well, i guess that Jane here, has told Beetle that Iron was going after her, and that she has making moves at her behind Beetle's back.
That, I know for a fact, is a fucked up lie.  Iron has not, would not, and will never want Jane like that.  She has told me everything that has been going on with it, and I have been reading all the texts on how she has talked to her, and talked shit about Beetle also.
It hurts me to see my friends being played by someone who Beetle "loves" and has only been in our lives for a short while.  I think that something is seriously fucked up when you don't trust someone who has been there for you for years, and has not ever, EVER, given you a reason to not trust them....
You know you feel betrayed, but it is fucked up that you will not even believe the one person who has seen you leap into relationships, and fall hard when they ended.  She did not betray you, the one you think that you have "fallen in love" with is the one that is toying with your heart, and fucking with your head, and talking more shit than you will know about you.

I love you, but open your eyes.  And I hope you get pissed reading this, because I have been reading your blogs, and following your life, and hoping that you won't keep getting hurt.  You don't want any advice anymore, which is a big reason I don't tell you shit, but you also need to know I don't tell your secrets either.  You said something a couple days that I really felt hurt by, and I just smiled and changed the subject.  You are hurting your friends, and it is only getting worse. I trust you, and I wish you would take time to trust me, but you, I am not sure why, don't, or at least you don't act like it.

I have turned this into a rant, and I did not want to.
I have also gone off on someone that I did not want to.  I love them very much, but I don't want them to be hurt, and I don't want any of our other friends to be hurt either.  I would love to say this in person, but I don't get anytime with them to talk anymore....

Thanks guys, and Letter Two is for real almost done.  I have passed my writers block, and I will post it soon.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Quick Update. Letter two is almost done....


I just wanted to update everyone on how I am doing.
Today(Saturday) is the funeral for another family friend of ours that died of accidental causes early this week.  My big sister has been super torn up about this, it was her best friend, and this girl was the same age as me.  I know this is a bit of a pessimistic attitude, but I believe these things happen in three's, so I am waiting for number three.
I am also going to Grand Rapids today to see the tigers!!!
I am so excited to see some babies, and I can't wait to see a couple people that I really have been missing.  I wish more of the old crew could come out and get together, but we are split up through a couple different states. Haha.

Ok, I am headed to work.  I work from 8:15 until 12:15, and it really sucks because I did not fall asleep till 4, and I got up about 6:45.
Oh well

Thanks for reading, and I know everyone is looking forward to letter number two... I am typing it know, and I will be on my way to Grand Rapids, so it should be up pretty soon.  Sorry it is taking me so long....


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Letter One...A new endeavor....

So starting a new project.  I talked about it a little bit in a previous post.  I don't think that it is going to give me anything, other than an outlet, but I am going to write letters to all my ex-somethings.  I won't use any names, and I am not sure how into detail I am going to go.  I just feel like in order to keep track, I need to do this.  I also am feeling more and more like, as the famous quote goes, "Nice Guys Finish Last."

Dear first anything,

It was a year and a half after I had come out of the closet before I ever had the chance to try anything with anyone.  And for some reason, you were the first person I had the gift of trying things with.  I am still not sure, and I ask myself everyday, why you would let me.  I wonder, maybe someday if you will reveal your secret to the world.  And I know that you are straight.

That summer was awesome.  I was seventeen, and you were staying here, you had some troubles, and we were the place you chose to come.  You called it home for a short while.  Weirdly enough, you made us into a family, your family.
We also had got one of those small blow up pools.  Another first for me.  The most I ever had for a pool was a slip and slide.  While this one was not the best in the world, it was good enough to chill in, and to be in the water.  Plus, at night, it made for an awesome time to go skinny dipping.  I can't count the many times we did.  Often times, we would chill out after in the basement, the spare room we had, sitting on the couch, playing video games or watching some movies.  I would steal glances at you, not in a sexual way, but it just seemed like you would not be unreceptive to my looking.  You work hard to look good, and we had talked so much over the past couple of years about a lot.  I would never stare, but I was sure you had seen me glancing more than once.  You knew most of my secrets at the time.
There was a night, not unlike any other that had happened.  We went swimming that night, and smart us, left our towels on the other side of the yard.  You, being the brave one, stood right up, stepped out of the pool, and with the water coursing through your hair, dripping down onto your neck, and shoulders, running down your back, over your perfect ass, past your thighs, over your calves, and into the grass, you walked right over, grabbed a towel, and started to dry off.  You stood right there, turning your body slightly towards me as I tried to look away, and gave me a small hint of you.  I felt the must trust from you at this point.  I felt you knew I looked, and you did not care.  I felt something in me stir, something that said, wow.
You were straight though.  So I looked away.
We ended up, our same routine, in the spare room downstairs, sitting on the couch, me in a towel and a t-shirt, you in a pair of ice colored boxer briefs.  The show Invader Zim is on, but we are busy just talking about anything and everything.  It's amazing that people who see each other everyday, most of the days, can still find things to find to talk about.  I have no idea how, but talking about being gay, and everything it entails came up.  I found out all the things you would never do with a guy, at least not without a lot, a lot, of money involved, and definitely no chance of "remembering" it.  I am not sure why, but I felt a little sad in the pit of my stomach.  I think maybe I had lost a small glimmer of hope in the back of my head.
That night, it was very late going to bed, and you slept in the bed outside the spare room, and my room was upstairs.  As I was walking up the stairs to go to bed, you asked me to turn the light off.  Somewhere between the three steps from the stairs to the pullcord on the light, I grew some balls, and blurted out
"Can I just taste 'it'?"
I had prepared myself for the answer, but when you responded, I was beyond astounded.
"Turn off the Light."
You can believe I had that light off before you finished that sentence.  I heard you pull your shorts down, and then
"All right."
It was like an ancient instinct took over me as I sat on the edge of that twin mattress.  I had my eyes shut, uselessly since the light was off, and I slowly leaned forward.  I ran my hand up your thigh, and found what I was looking for, slowly wrapping my hands around it.  You had a semi. I look back, wondering if that means anything.  I lean a little bit closer, hearing you breath in sharply as my lips wrap around what I never thought would happen.  As soon as it starts, I end it.  I did not want to cross a line that would ruin our friendship.  I walk up the stairs, wondering if what I did was already too much.

We sleep well into the afternoon, only waking up when having to take a piss, and getting hunger pains wakes us.  You come upstairs, and I am watching t.v. I had only been up about five minutes, but already you look more awake than me.  I notice your body, moving in the pajama pants you borrow from me.  I can see an outline of you in them.  I remember last night, and think maybe it is a dream.  I ask you, if I did anything out of line last night, and you say, no.  That is when I knew it was not a dream.
Later in the day, we are chilling upstairs in my sisters room.  She is gone to a memorial for our friends grandfather.  The television is on, again with background noise, and we are talking.  The whole time, I am trying to think of a way to do it again.  Just once.  I try to steer the conversation into the direction that will open up the topic, but it feels like you are also trying to avoid this topic.  I can feel courage, welling up inside me.  I keep trying to say something, but every time I quickly blurt out something different.  But, the courage, it continues to grow.
"Can I do it again?"
You look right at me.  Your eyes, they meet mine, they say something to me, but I am not sure, I can not quite see your answer, but I feel like they are happy, like you want to say yes.  I am not sure what you are going to say, but I hope that you say yes.
"Do what,"
You say, a smirk on your face, the lines at the end of your lips creating small dimples on your cheeks.
I don't want to say it out loud, my dad is sitting right downstairs watching t.v. and I know the door is only half closed.  So I whisper
"You know, what happened last night.  I was just wondering, if maybe, you know, it could happen, a little bit longer?"
"Are you going to tell anyone?"
"I, I, I don't know.  I guess, well, it would be my first time."
You still have that smirk.  I think that you have the answer, and I feel like maybe it is in my favor.  You look away a second, maybe to look like you are thinking, maybe you really are thinking, but it is only for a moment.  You look back at me, nod your head, and lay back, ready.
My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to skip a few beats. I move down to the end of the mattress, this one is larger, but on the floor.  Looking back I realize it makes for easier access to a holy part that so many hold dear.  I move up into the split of your legs, wrap my fingers over the waist of the pajama pants you are wearing and slide them down.  As you flop out, I notice again that you have a semi, not to mention you are hung like a horse.  Again, I wrap my hand around it, lowering my open mouth down to taste you once again.  The moment I reach it, my tongue having barely touched it, it perks right up, and for a split second, I worry I am not going to do this right.  But, those ancient animal instincts, the ones that help everyone who knows how to find them, kick in, and my mind goes blank, and they take over.
It only lasts a few minutes, you finish quick, I am sure it has been a long time since this has happened for you. And I return to myself.  I calm that animal that rears its glorious head back and lets loose, begging to be released again soon.  I look up your body, past your rising stomach, and over your toned chest, and into your eyes.  They have changed color slightly, from the hazel they are to more green then brown.  You look relaxed, and I say the only thing that comes to mind
"I'm hungry."
You laugh, and we go downstairs to find some food.

I remember that summer with you every time I talk about my 'brother'.  You are the first person I ever did anything with, and you, unknowingly, allowed me to solidify myself.  I have always trusted you the most, out of almost anybody in my life.  I keep in contact with you, and I consider you the best family, the only brother, that I have.  I may never do anything with you, and I will forever be happy with that.  We have moved past that, and grown into something more.  Maybe carrying the secret of those days has brought us closer, but I would never trade them in for anything different.

Thank You so much for always being there, for being someone I could trust, for being my 'Brother'


Short and Sweet

so last night was rough, but I'm over it.
the only thing that I ask myself:

Why the F*** do I not fight for what I want?

I mean, seriously!

I also need a different job.  Bagboy is not going to cut it. Not for minimum wage(7.40)

Thinking bout taking a walk.  Might be gone a long time....

Work tomorrow.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Once again, I learn to never let my fences down....

"Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
~I'm not that girl, Wicked~
(Second Post, I know)

I said bye.  That's the second time in one month.  I think there is something wrong with me.

I don't know why either.  I listened to them.  I spoke to them.  I shared some of my fears, and some of my hopes.  My emotions, my dreams(literally), and my time.

And it was amazing.

But I went, and did it again.  I did it all for the one person I could never truly make happy.  Rules make me mad.  I am tired of not having anything in life to offer.  I am sick of not knowing if the person I open up to is ever going to truly open up to me.  And I know you are going to read this.

Please don't feel bad.  I don't blame you.  I don't think you are wrong.  I just need to vent, and this is my venue. I don't want you to feel bad.  I understand where you are coming from.  I understand that your past has given you inhibitions.  I understand.

I'm not mad.  I did it myself. I think to fast, and speak to much.  Then, even though I know I should not, I start to like.  And I lied.  I know, I said a lot that I did not see it like that, but even keeping it in the back of my mind, I did get my hopes up.  I hope that you do not think that I am mad at anyone, or that anything is wrong.  I guess I just thought maybe I was different now.  Especially now that you know I am not all that you that I was.

As long as you smile, I am happy.


You can have my coat anytime.


Friday, March 26, 2010

just an update. better one later....

"Don't dream to far, don't lose sight of who you are, don't remember that rush of joy"
~I'm Not That Girl, Wicked

Today, well, it was a roller coaster to say the least.

As my earlier post says, I laid someone dear to me to rest today, but that was not the end of my day.

I chilled at home for a few hours, and decided I wanted to go see a movie.  So, I started talking to someone that I don't get to hangout with much, and well, we planned it out.  We had intended to go see How To Train Your Dragon.  I also got a hold of another one of my friends I have not seen in ages, and she said she might be able to make it.  I was super hoping she could.
So we get to the movie theatre, and surprise! She could make it. lol.
At the counter for the movie, the girl tells us that it is half full, and filling up fast, which is cool, except I can't really sit in a theatre full of little kids for a long time, I would go crazy. We decided to go see Bounty Hunter. I can honestly say, I liked it. It lived up to my expectations, and made me laugh quite a bit.

After, we kind of just rode around, finding random things to do. Go to Wal-Mart, sneak into a local dam, look at sculptures at my high school.  You know, the same ol' same ol' stuff.
We also got to talk, which is something good for me, but I liked to listen a lot more.
I don't want to say this, knowing that it can't happen, and the person reads my blog, but well, someday down the road, it would be nice.  They took my mind off a lot, including my papa dying, and a boy from which I should get over.  I am not saying that it will, but I definitely think that the future holds many mysteries.

I think in the end though I need to say thank you to them.  They did get me through today, and it was good to know that someone was there.
Thank You!!!!
....you know who you are....

I have an awesome idea for a blog post, but I did not want to be up all night(contradictory of my blog title) writing it. Maybe I will do it like a series, or in different chunks.

Thanks For Reading.


See You Again Someday...

Goodbye for now.
There are only rare occasions that I will say goodbye, it is usually see you later, or talk to you later, or peace, or something like that.  I hate to say goodbye, its too final, too formal.
I hate the finality of it.

Today I said goodbye.

At least for now it is goodbye.

Rest In Peace  Papa Percy....


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Made It Through The Night

"And do you know, that everydays the first, of the rest, of, your life"

~Angels On The Moon, Thriving Ivory~

I had a dream the night before last that someone close to me had passed away.  I slept until 3:30 yesterday.  Woke up, and found out my Papa Percy had succumbed to his battle with cancer.
That stings quite a bit.

I am not so much sad, as relieved that he is no longer suffering.  I know that we will all meet again, and I know that he is no longer hurting.  So no, I did not have that rough of a day.  I just sat, chilled, and remembered.  It is scary how dealing with death can come almost naturally anymore.  But I guess that is just a part of my life.

I wanted to let everyone know about this, so that I could not dwell on the negative. Positive things have been happening for me also.

My Aunt, and Mom, and Dad surprised me with an iPod Touch on my sisters birthday.  I think this is the first solid gift I have gotten that had any real value in a few years.  I hid it well, but I almost started to cry. Lol.  I am very happy with it so far.  Though my music alone takes up most of the space, and I don't have the movies that I have downloaded on there. I guess I am going to have to pick and choose what I want on there, and when.

I am going to go now, thinking I am going to hang out downtown, and see some people. I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up and watched The Pretender.  I think I'm going to be with Katie for a while.  I hope we go to the movies, I have a free ticket that needs to get used.

Thanks everyone for taking time out of life to read about mine.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

Lets See Who Reads This....BIRTHDAY MONTH

"I might need you to hold me tonight, I might need you to say it's alright, I might need you to take the first stand, because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man"
~Hold Me, Savage Garden~

So to start out, I want to see who reads this.  If you do, and are on my Facebook, would you please comment on my wall or send me a message, just to let me know. I am very curious. Keep reading if you need comment material.

So the past week or so has been pretty ok.

The weather was amazing, up until this morning.  It has been beautiful, I even walked down to the UofM-Flint Campus on wednesday.  But, that was because of a fight that my sister and my mother started with me.

It was St. Patrick's Day Wednesday, my Grandmothers birthday, and my friends birthday.  It was busy to say the least.

Thursday I went to Churchills for another St. Patty's Day party put on by another local Fraternity.  Got kind of bored, and the eye candy was minimal so I left early and went back to the dorms and hung out.  I went home that night.

Last night, we celebrated another friend of mines birthday. Kind of got crazy, but not bad.
We went to Starlight, one of the best Coney Islands ever!
Well, we got there and the door was locked because they were packed, and full to the max.  Me, being the drunken diva that I am, started ranting about going elsewhere, and started spouting off other places we could go, it was kind of stupid, and childish, but I was pretty drunk.  We got in though, so it was no biggie.  Last night was awesome.

I am sure there are more stories I could tell you, but I can honestly not remember any of them.  Don't you hate that?

Oh yeah! I have a job now.  I interviewed at the Kroger on the corner by my house last saturday, and they sent the drug test out Monday, in which I passed, of course, and I start training and working Thursday at noon.  So yeah, if you read this congratulate me on Facebook.

I am going to be cutting friends out of my life soon.  The people who are using me, and abusing me.  The ones who say one thing, and do another.  The ones who lie.  The ones who think they are fooling me.  And the ones I wish I did not have to.

I also would like to pose a question to a certain group on campus, because I, for the life of me, can not figure it out.  I hope I get a positive answer, because frankly, I am not very happy with them.

I am still single. And unwillingly celibate. haha. It's life though.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Birthday Post!!!!!!

I had a blast last night. 
I was super trashed, and as much as I would love to detail every single moment of the night for you, I can not.  One, because I have just enough time for a quick post, and two, I can only remember some of it. So I may have a guest writer come and write for me about it all.

I also want to tell everyone about a friend of mines blog.  He just started it, and I know he is looking to share his thoughts with you.  He is just getting out of a relationship, and as far as I can tell, he is doing better everyday that passes.  His names Kevin, and you guys will love his blog posts.  Promise. Just click on his name and it will take you to his blog.

Ok, I am going to get out of here.  I am so happy it is my birthday
I turned 20 at 1:23 this morning, and my twin sister turned 20 at 1:29.
Hope everyone is having a good day, and I will be back on soon.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Kind of...I Don't Know

"In my head, I see you, all over me. In my head, you, fulfill, my fantasy"
~In My Head, Jason Derulo~

I love this song, and I love to live.

Yesterday, I was up till 4:30 in the morning, and then went to bed.  At 7 o'clock, I woke up, and was about 2.3 seconds from losing my self.  I had the worst nightmare in my life, and it scared me, more than I have ever been scared, in my life.  Now, I have had some pretty close encounters in my life, including almost being bitten by a copperhead in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.
I do not really want to talk about the dream, because I know that one day it is going to come true in a sense, and I do not want to be reminded of that. I only hope that when it does, I have someone there to take care of me.

I spent the next few hours after that waiting to hear from my friend about getting a ride downtown to UofM.  I totally made it down there. lol
It was a blast, I love going down there, and seeing all the people that I know.  I think the most important thing in life is getting out, and seeing the world, including the people who inhabit it.  How else will we learn why we are here.
Well I spent the day trying to figure out who the mystery asker from my Formspring was, and hoping they would talk to me...I kind of really want to meet them, I am not used to not knowing who it is that talks to me.
I am not sure if I have talked about this at all, so I will now. I started Formspring, and I was getting some awesome, but personal, questions.  So I told whoever it was to email me if they were serious. Well, they were, and they did.  Which is awesome in itself.  Well, we chatted a little bit, and I found out a few details that should help me.  They were in one of my classes last year, and I really feel bad because I do not know if I remember them.  I do not think we talked, and I was busy checking out a crush I have, so I did not really pay attention.  But, maybe I should have.  Anyways, I have not heard anything from them for a few days, and I am wondering where they went, but it's cool.  Maybe some other day.

I came home yesterday, and went to bed at 11, which is like super early for me.  I am not usually in bed before 2, so it was weird, but I was running on a very little sleep.

I got up at 7:30 this morning and it sucked too.  But I am going to keep doing it so that I can get on a schedule.
I ended up going downtown again with Katie, and hung out in the LGBT Center a while.  I could go into more on this topic, but I do not think I will.  There is some things that I do not want to speculate on.

I went and hung out with Judy and Paul, with Katie.  Tym and John came over, and we had a lot of fun.  But I was reminded that I am not going to have anybody there for me at my birthday party.  I do not mean no one will be there, I mean, when I fall asleep, I am going to be alone.  I do not like that.  But there is only one person that I really want to be with, and only a very few others I could see myself with.  I guess someday it will happen, but I would love it someday soon....

Today was just normal, and I think that tomorrow will be too. I have my friends birthday party at BDubs and Churchills, and I plan to have a lot of fun.  Get at me sometime everyone, I love to talk, and love to meet people.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Lazy. Crush PICS, Formspring, and Bowling.

I do not have a quote for here this week, and the music I am listening to is new so I do not know if there are any words I like yet. L :(

I think there is some kind of something weird attached to my url.....help me

There is no way I can remember everything that has been going on, but I am going to write, till I think of as much as I can.
Of course, I can not think of anything now....drats....

Well, I just started getting into Formspring.  For those who may not know what that is, it is a website where people can visit, and ask anonymous questions.  It is amazing.  I have fallen in love with it.  It has even led to a guy e-mailing me.  I still do not know who he is, but he has asked a lot of questions, and I have been learning a lot about him.  He was in one of my classes last year, but I do not know if I remember him, which sucks.  I kind of want to meet him.  I think we could be friends. Here is my link just in case anyone wants to check it out. Read through my questions, they are funny.  And you will learn a lot about me. Formspring!!!!!!

I was checking out some blog that I follow, and just looking through old post's I found a picture that I am like 98% sure is a guy I have a crush on.  I was pretty much not thinking about even trying to talk to him, but after this picture, I think I might actually try. lol. It is revealing, but artistically so...I wonder if there are more, in a spread or something.  He is also hot as hell. Maybe I will post a link to the picture if I have any requests.

I have no idea what else to say.

Oh. Well Katie and I are always chilling, and a few days this past weekend we have  been drinking. But last night was the best, by far.
We had been planning to go bowling so Katie called around and one bowling alley said they had glow bowling starting earlier than everywhere else, but it was a lie. So we came back to my house and did some pre-gaming.  Well, after we got to the bowling alley, we had a blast, and I kept sneaking drinks. SHHH. ahaha.  I was pretty tipsy last night, and only did well about 2 frames.  I bowled a 108 the first game, and we did not even get to finish our second game. I kind of wanted Katie's money back.  It was a rip off.

I want to talk to this person who e-mailed me from formspring.
I want to talk to the guy who's picture I found.
I want to talk to someone else.

I am Happy


My birthday is March 14th, and I am having a party on the 13th, and maybe on the 14th, depending. I am so excited.  I have a countdown till next years though....



im gonna post soon, but i am doing a lot, and i am hoping that i can update everyone on everything. it has been pretty eventful going on in my life.

i love formspring
i love my friends
i love life


Sunday, February 28, 2010

Strippers, Alcohol, and Dishes.

"How can I decide what's right, when you're clouding up my mind"
~Decode, Paramore~

I think this is the third time I have tried to start this post.

During the week, I pretty much chill at home, on campus, or with katie, usually a mixture of two.  Then, the weekend comes along, and I get out.
Friday, was awesome.
I got my haircut, did my eyebrows, and went *EDIT* to some friends house for a party.  Just got to say one thing.  Yes.
The girls I went with, and I, got there a little bit earlier to pre-game, and hang out for a bit.  Somewhere around wen we got there and wen the party was supposed to start most of them got pretty tipsy.  I was cracking up.  Well, sometime while we were in one of the *EDIT* rooms, like a bagillion people showed up.  And thus, the party had started.  Well, it took me quite a while, and a lot of alcohol to get me drunk, but it was worth it.  By the end of the night I was doing what I do best: Hitting on everyone.
I have usuals actually because it seems like every time I go to a party, I hit on these guys, but, they are really good sports about it.  At the end of the night I never go home with anyone, but I am never seriously looking to, just having fun.
Well, at one point, I was helping a girl in the bathroom throw up, but I wanted to keep seeing everyone, so I left her after making sure she was going to be ok, and made some rounds.  Well, I ended up back upstairs with some of my friends, and this girl was still puking, but had moved to a bucket in the room we were in.  So being me, I went and knelt in front of her to rub her back and check on her.
I ended up with some very wet knees, and I am not sure why there I was a puddle of water on the floor.  I hope it was water.
Well by the end of the night, I had a few people offering me a ride home, since my ride was leaving before the party was over, including a guy that I did not think.  It was cool.  But in the end, reason prevailed and I left early. Darn

Last night(Saturday) I went out with some friends to the Triangle, a local gay bar here in Flint.  It was pretty dead until well into the night though, which kind of sucked but kept it pretty chill at the same time.  We met Brittany and her bf Scott up there also, which is fun.  I don't really get to hang out with them much, but it is always fun when we do.  Mel showed up with her gf too, which was awesome.
The boys there, were mainly, good looking.  I mean, I like to look, but last night I was not feeling any need to attempt anything, or want.  It was fun watching Lil Josh strip, I love when good looking people look good almost naked.  One of the shot boys is also hot, and he seems pretty chill, considering he spent most of the night drinking enough to take his shirt off.
I love watching people there, most will come, and just let loose, even sober.  It is so much better than going out with straight people to straight bars, it seems like all anyone is looking for is sex in those places.  I mean, at the gay bar, people are looking for sex, but people are also just looking to be themselves.  You do not find straight people being themselves when they are out and drunk.  I should stop chilling with so many of them.

Today is just chill, I am going to hang out at home. Maybe do some dishes, get a little done.  I need to find a job. But I WILL have one by the end of the week.  I decided last night not to be so picky.  I know I want to stay with animals, but sometimes what you want is just not what you need right now.  I need a job.  So my idea to stay with animals can wait.  I plan to do it for the rest of my life anyways....I think.

I guess that is all.  I kind of was thinking about a boy last night the entire time.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Happy...mainly....JoFo shoutout!!!!!!! lol

"Every time I see your smile, it makes my heart beat fast."
~If The Moon Fell Down Tonight, Dear Juliet~

So much has been happening, and yet I still feel like I am not accomplishing anything.  But right now, I am completely happy with that.  

Katie and I have been hanging out a lot since she got back.  I have also been downtown on campus. We also visited Judy a couple times.  

I love everyone at Judy's house.  I lived there for a while last summer, and they took care of me better than I could have ever asked for.  I love talking to Jude, and her twin brother, and messing with him.  He is straight, but I like to act really gay towards him.  It's all in good fun, and maybe I would do something with him, if he was ever curious. I don't see that happening.  I love Judes big sister, and her niece.  And her dad has always been awesome to me.

Katie and I went downtown and signed up for a form of health insurance called the Genesee Health Plan.  Basically it covers doctor visits, with about 3 dollar co-pay.  It also works with x-rays.  Kind of awesome, now we have at least a way to see a doctor without digging our young selves further and further into debt.  Thank you school loans, and other such things.

I have been really thinking about some boy things lately, and I do not really think that I am making any leadway in my mind.  I mean, I really like someone, and in a message correspondence I initiated they informed me they also liked me.  But he is still on the road, and will be for a long time, so there is one complication.  And I will NOT ask him to leave something he loves.  That would make me a douchebag to the extreme.  I am not down with that.  So I guess while he is gone I have no idea what to do.  I have not wanted to get laid since he replied to my message,  I guess I just want to be around him.
He made/makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
His smile.
I hope he wears my christmas gifts, even if it is just every once in a while.
I wear mine.

I am going to wait right now, but if the chance for someone to keep me warm while he is away comes up, I might take it. 
I want to wait though too.

Oh choices.

I'm only human.

I miss....a lot.....


Joanna, one of my bestest bestest friends posted this video on my wall, and I pretty much fell in love with this song.  Give it a listen and tell me what you think.

Friday, February 19, 2010

2,600 miles, and 10 states later....

The longest trip of my life, but totally worth it.
The only way to describe exactly what I just did.

Monday night, my friend Kelly gets on facebook and asks me a very random question.  She asked if I wanted to go to Oklahoma.  Our friend Jme needed a ride from the park, to the road crew in Minnesota.  So naturally, I said yes. I am the most spontaneous person that I know.  I do not feel right planning everything out, so when something comes out of nowhere and it interests me, I do it.  I only live once.
So Kelly drives up from Indiana to get me, so she is not driving cross country alone.  She gets here about 2:30 in the morning, we go and grab a little bit of money from a friend of ours to help us out with gas money, and are on the road by 3:30 in the morning Tuesday.
We drove straight through Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, and into Oklahoma.
We got to the park about 10-ish, I do not really remember the time because I had not slept since about 10:30 Monday morning, and it was now the end of Tuesday.
Jme had made Kelly and I some goulash, which was delicious, and we took showers because we were feeling kind of scrubby.
We were back on the road, before midnight, I think....
Katie drove from Oklahoma, to Topeka Kansas, where we felt it would be a good place to get a room for a couple hours and sleep at 6 in the morning Wednesday.  We got up, ate Denny's on Jme(thank you Jme!!!) and got back on the road.
We finished driving through Kansas, drove on the borders of Nebraska and Iowa, and drove into Minnesota.
Btw: The Twilight Zone is in northern Nebraska, just before you get into Minnesota.  Our GPS went completely insane, and on the screen it had us driving in circles on the field to the right of the expressway.  It was weird, but we knew to just stay on the expressway till we got into Minnesota.
About 8 or 8:15, we get into Fairmont Minnesota, to where the road crew is.

Ok, so I have mentioned this a couple times, but I should now, just so you do not have to go back and try and find it.  There is a boy that I like very much that is working still, and he is on the road crew. 
I got to see him, which made me very happy, but very much confused me again.  We did not get to talk very much, and it made me kind of sad because I have questions that I have to ask him, and in person would have been amazing for me.  I can read his reactions, and gauge how he is really feeling, just to see his answers.

I want to talk to him....

I also found out that the driver that was hired in just before I left has been talking some mad shit about me.  I am not sure how I should feel about this.  I mean, on the one hand, the fact he finds me important enough to talk about makes me flattered, but on the other, he does not know shit about me, and should not being having any form of negative opinion on me.  Of course the fact that he threatened me once before I left, and I made sure he knows I have great lawyers probably pissed him off.  I was not scared of him.  I told everyone before I left he was a dangerous person, and a liability.  Well, he choked one of the employees from what I found out, and is still there.   I think he should have been arrested after that and charges brought up against him.  There weren't.  It pisses me off.  But I do not have anything to do with him, so I have let it go.

We left that night, and drove through Minnesota, Wisconsin, down through Illinois, into Indiana, and made it back into Flint about 10 am on Thursday.

After 10 states and so many miles...

Friday, February 12, 2010

I wanna make love in this club...oops

"Being gay is not a lifestyle choice, coming out is."
~Travis Brown(me)~

So the past couple days have been slightly crazy.

Mainly just going out last night.
A fraternity from here at UofM-Flint had what is called a Stop Light party at a local bar downtown.  Now, for those who do not know what a stop light party is I can explain it fairly well.  The night consists of everybody wearing either Green, Yellow, or Red.  The colors of  a traffic light.  All the colors have a meaning that lets everyone know where they stand relationship wise.  Red means that you are in a relationship, and you are not looking for anything but to go out with friends and have fun.  Yellow means that you are unsure, or in a complicated situation, and while you are not technically taken, you are not technically single either.  ie: it's complicated. Finally, Green, means that you are single and ready to mingle, or DTF.  Lol, just in case you do not know what that is, DTF means Down To F***!
Anyways, I wore green. Obviously, I am single.
I also drank enough to get me nice and tipsy, and totally happy with life.  Which is not that much since I lost my tolerance.  Anyways, we get to the bar, and I immediately start mingling with everyone I know, which is actually most of everyone there...not trying to brag.
Well, I absolutely felt like dancing so that is what I did.  Going out to the dance floor with most of my girl friends, ahaha, we danced and had a good time.
Going into the night, you will see me standing by the bar talking to a couple guy friends of mine.  This went on for quite a while.  Found out my roommates from last year talk about me somewhat.  They don't say anything that I did not already know. It was good to know they talk though, it makes me feel famous.
While talking to these guys, a guy walks up, looks me dead in the eyes, and asks:
"What color are you wearing?"
I replied "Green"
"Are you gay?"
"We're dancing."
So as we walk onto the floor I get his name.
Dancing was where I finally let loose.  Now, when I dance with girls, I can get pretty fun, but never like anything when I am dancing with a man.  I can just be myself so much better with them. and I really mean I let loose when I say I let loose.  There was making out, and groping, and amazing dancing, and just a whole hell of a lot of dancing.  It was pretty fun.  I am glad I got to for real dance for a moment.
No, I did not go home with him, and no he did not leave with me.  I am not that big of a whore.  I need to know more than a name to take a person home.
It was great though.

I also just want to say, that I am currently watching the Opening Ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, and I am thoroughly impressed.  It is magnificent.  I am not sure if it is going to be better than Beijing, but it is definitely awe inspiring.  It is unfortunate that these events are preceded by the death of a Georgian man while on a trial run in the Luge.  My heart goes out to everyone who knows him.

Thanks for reading!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Will you make it to the summer?

"Oh yeah, wouldn't cause you any harm, I just want you in my arms, I can't help, I can't help myself"
~Shark In The Water, VV Brown~

First, I want to say to you that you are a hypocritical liar, and I will be civil to you, and hell I will even be your friend, but I will not let you continue talking the shit you have about me, and about my friends, the one's that I love.
Just because a friends death doesn't fuck with your head does not mean that in mine, it played a lot of games.  We handle shit differently obviously, and if you can not understand that, maybe you should go back to grade school.  I was, and continue to be impacted everyday by this horrible event, and I would never use something like that for attention.  Fuck Off.
When you and another break up, you do not talk shit about them to the people they are talking to now.  Even if they are your friend, they will tell the person you are talking shit about.  Keep it up and you are going to alienate everyone from you.  Make sure to tell me what it is like when you are all alone.

To the friends of mine.  I love you, but please do not tell me you can not afford to hang out.  When I say hang out, I do not mean drink, party, or shop.  I mean "lets sit down and watch movies, and talk about things" or "I have not seen you in a while, I want to catch up."
Also, if you are going to say that, do not post a status five minutes later saying you are going out to the movies, a bar, a club, or with other friends.
I am a grown ass man, and if you do not want to see me, thats fine, but DO NOT lie to me.
Spring cleaning is coming...will you make it to the summer?

No more angry speak.

My sleeping is back on the bad schedule.  I just have nothing left to wake up for.  So I sleep.

A lot of people have been telling me that maybe I should go back to my job, which for anyone who does not know, was working with tigers, but I don't know, right now I just can not.  I think about it everyday of my life, and I wonder what it would be like if I did, and I know that I would love to, but somewhere in my head, or maybe, in everyone else's heads, I feel like I shouldn't.  I do not know the exact reason why I left, I am still trying to figure it out, and I do not know why I feel I shouldn't go back.  I think the biggest part were the people in my life who said they wanted me home.  I think I gave in to peer pressure a little bit.  I don't know.

I am tired of complaining to everyone on here, but lately that is the only news I have, anything to vent.

I wish I had updates that are happier...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Too deep for comfort....and no it is not dirty....

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I can offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love"
~Make You Feel My Love, Adele~

I think I need a little help.

For everyday I spend in my house, I need two to recover.  Being here depresses me every second of everyday. What is worse, is there is no real reason for it.  I mean, I wake up everyday, and if I do not have plans to get out, I take a shower, get dressed, and than sit around all day.  I can not deal with going to therapists, and psychologists once a week again.  So I just don't think to much.  Oh yeah, and I eat.  I can see my stomach looking more and more disgusting.  Which leads me into my next topic....

When I started out as a freshman in high school, I weighed in at about 229 lbs.  I was only about 5 foot 3.  I was short and fat.  Lets add that I was very awkward, and a sort of outcast with very low self-esteem.  The perfect combination for just about a million psychological problems.  Right now, I am going to focus on one that I live with everyday of my life.
Late in my freshman year, going into the summer of sophomore year, I started to skip meals here, and avoid eating there.  Of course I hid it, I would still eat sometimes, just to avoid attention to what I did not want to admit.  But the more time went on, the less I would eat.  Soon I was skipping entire days, maybe eating a couple french fries, or grabbing some grapes from somebody, never much more than that.  I could not tell you the day, or the time, but I just stopped eating all together.  I would go days without ever eating a single thing, and than, when I did, I would eat enough, but never what I needed in nutrients.  I still can not say it, hell, I can  not type the name of my demons.  The one good thing I did with this, was kept my doctor in the loop.  She knew everything I was going through.  In order to better supply me with any form of nutrition she had me on a kind of shake that I drank everyday, some form of health, that way I was not going to die of malnutrition while I was starving myself.  I am glad for that everyday.  At the worst point, I could go about 3 weeks without ever touching a grain of salt.
My doctor, having known that all along I would need some help finally laid it out for me.  She said even though I was on the shakes, that if I did not start eating, and having a healthy diet, I was going to end up in the hospital.  I knew all this, I heard it all the time in health class, I was in denial of ever having a major problem.  Then she told me what I needed to hear.  She said I was going to hurt the people I love, the people who care about me the most.
I started then to attempt to get a little bit of food in me.  I would pick at my friends lunches, and try to eat whatever it was my mother made for dinner.  Usually only getting a couple bites in.  The weirdest feeling in the world is being full on two bites of grilled cheese.
I fought all through high school, to maintain some form of health.  For anyone who may have dealt with an eating disorder, or knows someone close to them who has, you will already know this, but to those who may not:
An eating disorder is a mental impairment a person must live with everyday of their lives.
I weigh a healthy 165 lbs today, and have been able to maintain that, even though I do fight everyday.  I sometimes force myself to eat a bowl of cereal, or make a small snack to make sure I never fall into the habit of not eating again.
If I ever hurt the ones I love, there would be no forgiveness.
I would not survive my guilt.

But I did survive my small battle.

Thank You