Sunday, February 28, 2010

Strippers, Alcohol, and Dishes.

"How can I decide what's right, when you're clouding up my mind"
~Decode, Paramore~

I think this is the third time I have tried to start this post.

During the week, I pretty much chill at home, on campus, or with katie, usually a mixture of two.  Then, the weekend comes along, and I get out.
Friday, was awesome.
I got my haircut, did my eyebrows, and went *EDIT* to some friends house for a party.  Just got to say one thing.  Yes.
The girls I went with, and I, got there a little bit earlier to pre-game, and hang out for a bit.  Somewhere around wen we got there and wen the party was supposed to start most of them got pretty tipsy.  I was cracking up.  Well, sometime while we were in one of the *EDIT* rooms, like a bagillion people showed up.  And thus, the party had started.  Well, it took me quite a while, and a lot of alcohol to get me drunk, but it was worth it.  By the end of the night I was doing what I do best: Hitting on everyone.
I have usuals actually because it seems like every time I go to a party, I hit on these guys, but, they are really good sports about it.  At the end of the night I never go home with anyone, but I am never seriously looking to, just having fun.
Well, at one point, I was helping a girl in the bathroom throw up, but I wanted to keep seeing everyone, so I left her after making sure she was going to be ok, and made some rounds.  Well, I ended up back upstairs with some of my friends, and this girl was still puking, but had moved to a bucket in the room we were in.  So being me, I went and knelt in front of her to rub her back and check on her.
I ended up with some very wet knees, and I am not sure why there I was a puddle of water on the floor.  I hope it was water.
Well by the end of the night, I had a few people offering me a ride home, since my ride was leaving before the party was over, including a guy that I did not think.  It was cool.  But in the end, reason prevailed and I left early. Darn

Last night(Saturday) I went out with some friends to the Triangle, a local gay bar here in Flint.  It was pretty dead until well into the night though, which kind of sucked but kept it pretty chill at the same time.  We met Brittany and her bf Scott up there also, which is fun.  I don't really get to hang out with them much, but it is always fun when we do.  Mel showed up with her gf too, which was awesome.
The boys there, were mainly, good looking.  I mean, I like to look, but last night I was not feeling any need to attempt anything, or want.  It was fun watching Lil Josh strip, I love when good looking people look good almost naked.  One of the shot boys is also hot, and he seems pretty chill, considering he spent most of the night drinking enough to take his shirt off.
I love watching people there, most will come, and just let loose, even sober.  It is so much better than going out with straight people to straight bars, it seems like all anyone is looking for is sex in those places.  I mean, at the gay bar, people are looking for sex, but people are also just looking to be themselves.  You do not find straight people being themselves when they are out and drunk.  I should stop chilling with so many of them.

Today is just chill, I am going to hang out at home. Maybe do some dishes, get a little done.  I need to find a job. But I WILL have one by the end of the week.  I decided last night not to be so picky.  I know I want to stay with animals, but sometimes what you want is just not what you need right now.  I need a job.  So my idea to stay with animals can wait.  I plan to do it for the rest of my life anyways....I think.

I guess that is all.  I kind of was thinking about a boy last night the entire time.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Happy...mainly....JoFo shoutout!!!!!!! lol

"Every time I see your smile, it makes my heart beat fast."
~If The Moon Fell Down Tonight, Dear Juliet~

So much has been happening, and yet I still feel like I am not accomplishing anything.  But right now, I am completely happy with that.  

Katie and I have been hanging out a lot since she got back.  I have also been downtown on campus. We also visited Judy a couple times.  

I love everyone at Judy's house.  I lived there for a while last summer, and they took care of me better than I could have ever asked for.  I love talking to Jude, and her twin brother, and messing with him.  He is straight, but I like to act really gay towards him.  It's all in good fun, and maybe I would do something with him, if he was ever curious. I don't see that happening.  I love Judes big sister, and her niece.  And her dad has always been awesome to me.

Katie and I went downtown and signed up for a form of health insurance called the Genesee Health Plan.  Basically it covers doctor visits, with about 3 dollar co-pay.  It also works with x-rays.  Kind of awesome, now we have at least a way to see a doctor without digging our young selves further and further into debt.  Thank you school loans, and other such things.

I have been really thinking about some boy things lately, and I do not really think that I am making any leadway in my mind.  I mean, I really like someone, and in a message correspondence I initiated they informed me they also liked me.  But he is still on the road, and will be for a long time, so there is one complication.  And I will NOT ask him to leave something he loves.  That would make me a douchebag to the extreme.  I am not down with that.  So I guess while he is gone I have no idea what to do.  I have not wanted to get laid since he replied to my message,  I guess I just want to be around him.
He made/makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
His smile.
I hope he wears my christmas gifts, even if it is just every once in a while.
I wear mine.

I am going to wait right now, but if the chance for someone to keep me warm while he is away comes up, I might take it. 
I want to wait though too.

Oh choices.

I'm only human.

I miss....a lot.....


Joanna, one of my bestest bestest friends posted this video on my wall, and I pretty much fell in love with this song.  Give it a listen and tell me what you think.

Friday, February 19, 2010

2,600 miles, and 10 states later....

The longest trip of my life, but totally worth it.
The only way to describe exactly what I just did.

Monday night, my friend Kelly gets on facebook and asks me a very random question.  She asked if I wanted to go to Oklahoma.  Our friend Jme needed a ride from the park, to the road crew in Minnesota.  So naturally, I said yes. I am the most spontaneous person that I know.  I do not feel right planning everything out, so when something comes out of nowhere and it interests me, I do it.  I only live once.
So Kelly drives up from Indiana to get me, so she is not driving cross country alone.  She gets here about 2:30 in the morning, we go and grab a little bit of money from a friend of ours to help us out with gas money, and are on the road by 3:30 in the morning Tuesday.
We drove straight through Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, and into Oklahoma.
We got to the park about 10-ish, I do not really remember the time because I had not slept since about 10:30 Monday morning, and it was now the end of Tuesday.
Jme had made Kelly and I some goulash, which was delicious, and we took showers because we were feeling kind of scrubby.
We were back on the road, before midnight, I think....
Katie drove from Oklahoma, to Topeka Kansas, where we felt it would be a good place to get a room for a couple hours and sleep at 6 in the morning Wednesday.  We got up, ate Denny's on Jme(thank you Jme!!!) and got back on the road.
We finished driving through Kansas, drove on the borders of Nebraska and Iowa, and drove into Minnesota.
Btw: The Twilight Zone is in northern Nebraska, just before you get into Minnesota.  Our GPS went completely insane, and on the screen it had us driving in circles on the field to the right of the expressway.  It was weird, but we knew to just stay on the expressway till we got into Minnesota.
About 8 or 8:15, we get into Fairmont Minnesota, to where the road crew is.

Ok, so I have mentioned this a couple times, but I should now, just so you do not have to go back and try and find it.  There is a boy that I like very much that is working still, and he is on the road crew. 
I got to see him, which made me very happy, but very much confused me again.  We did not get to talk very much, and it made me kind of sad because I have questions that I have to ask him, and in person would have been amazing for me.  I can read his reactions, and gauge how he is really feeling, just to see his answers.

I want to talk to him....

I also found out that the driver that was hired in just before I left has been talking some mad shit about me.  I am not sure how I should feel about this.  I mean, on the one hand, the fact he finds me important enough to talk about makes me flattered, but on the other, he does not know shit about me, and should not being having any form of negative opinion on me.  Of course the fact that he threatened me once before I left, and I made sure he knows I have great lawyers probably pissed him off.  I was not scared of him.  I told everyone before I left he was a dangerous person, and a liability.  Well, he choked one of the employees from what I found out, and is still there.   I think he should have been arrested after that and charges brought up against him.  There weren't.  It pisses me off.  But I do not have anything to do with him, so I have let it go.

We left that night, and drove through Minnesota, Wisconsin, down through Illinois, into Indiana, and made it back into Flint about 10 am on Thursday.

After 10 states and so many miles...

Friday, February 12, 2010

I wanna make love in this club...oops

"Being gay is not a lifestyle choice, coming out is."
~Travis Brown(me)~

So the past couple days have been slightly crazy.

Mainly just going out last night.
A fraternity from here at UofM-Flint had what is called a Stop Light party at a local bar downtown.  Now, for those who do not know what a stop light party is I can explain it fairly well.  The night consists of everybody wearing either Green, Yellow, or Red.  The colors of  a traffic light.  All the colors have a meaning that lets everyone know where they stand relationship wise.  Red means that you are in a relationship, and you are not looking for anything but to go out with friends and have fun.  Yellow means that you are unsure, or in a complicated situation, and while you are not technically taken, you are not technically single either.  ie: it's complicated. Finally, Green, means that you are single and ready to mingle, or DTF.  Lol, just in case you do not know what that is, DTF means Down To F***!
Anyways, I wore green. Obviously, I am single.
I also drank enough to get me nice and tipsy, and totally happy with life.  Which is not that much since I lost my tolerance.  Anyways, we get to the bar, and I immediately start mingling with everyone I know, which is actually most of everyone there...not trying to brag.
Well, I absolutely felt like dancing so that is what I did.  Going out to the dance floor with most of my girl friends, ahaha, we danced and had a good time.
Going into the night, you will see me standing by the bar talking to a couple guy friends of mine.  This went on for quite a while.  Found out my roommates from last year talk about me somewhat.  They don't say anything that I did not already know. It was good to know they talk though, it makes me feel famous.
While talking to these guys, a guy walks up, looks me dead in the eyes, and asks:
"What color are you wearing?"
I replied "Green"
"Are you gay?"
"We're dancing."
So as we walk onto the floor I get his name.
Dancing was where I finally let loose.  Now, when I dance with girls, I can get pretty fun, but never like anything when I am dancing with a man.  I can just be myself so much better with them. and I really mean I let loose when I say I let loose.  There was making out, and groping, and amazing dancing, and just a whole hell of a lot of dancing.  It was pretty fun.  I am glad I got to for real dance for a moment.
No, I did not go home with him, and no he did not leave with me.  I am not that big of a whore.  I need to know more than a name to take a person home.
It was great though.

I also just want to say, that I am currently watching the Opening Ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, and I am thoroughly impressed.  It is magnificent.  I am not sure if it is going to be better than Beijing, but it is definitely awe inspiring.  It is unfortunate that these events are preceded by the death of a Georgian man while on a trial run in the Luge.  My heart goes out to everyone who knows him.

Thanks for reading!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Will you make it to the summer?

"Oh yeah, wouldn't cause you any harm, I just want you in my arms, I can't help, I can't help myself"
~Shark In The Water, VV Brown~

First, I want to say to you that you are a hypocritical liar, and I will be civil to you, and hell I will even be your friend, but I will not let you continue talking the shit you have about me, and about my friends, the one's that I love.
Just because a friends death doesn't fuck with your head does not mean that in mine, it played a lot of games.  We handle shit differently obviously, and if you can not understand that, maybe you should go back to grade school.  I was, and continue to be impacted everyday by this horrible event, and I would never use something like that for attention.  Fuck Off.
When you and another break up, you do not talk shit about them to the people they are talking to now.  Even if they are your friend, they will tell the person you are talking shit about.  Keep it up and you are going to alienate everyone from you.  Make sure to tell me what it is like when you are all alone.

To the friends of mine.  I love you, but please do not tell me you can not afford to hang out.  When I say hang out, I do not mean drink, party, or shop.  I mean "lets sit down and watch movies, and talk about things" or "I have not seen you in a while, I want to catch up."
Also, if you are going to say that, do not post a status five minutes later saying you are going out to the movies, a bar, a club, or with other friends.
I am a grown ass man, and if you do not want to see me, thats fine, but DO NOT lie to me.
Spring cleaning is coming...will you make it to the summer?

No more angry speak.

My sleeping is back on the bad schedule.  I just have nothing left to wake up for.  So I sleep.

A lot of people have been telling me that maybe I should go back to my job, which for anyone who does not know, was working with tigers, but I don't know, right now I just can not.  I think about it everyday of my life, and I wonder what it would be like if I did, and I know that I would love to, but somewhere in my head, or maybe, in everyone else's heads, I feel like I shouldn't.  I do not know the exact reason why I left, I am still trying to figure it out, and I do not know why I feel I shouldn't go back.  I think the biggest part were the people in my life who said they wanted me home.  I think I gave in to peer pressure a little bit.  I don't know.

I am tired of complaining to everyone on here, but lately that is the only news I have, anything to vent.

I wish I had updates that are happier...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Too deep for comfort....and no it is not dirty....

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I can offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love"
~Make You Feel My Love, Adele~

I think I need a little help.

For everyday I spend in my house, I need two to recover.  Being here depresses me every second of everyday. What is worse, is there is no real reason for it.  I mean, I wake up everyday, and if I do not have plans to get out, I take a shower, get dressed, and than sit around all day.  I can not deal with going to therapists, and psychologists once a week again.  So I just don't think to much.  Oh yeah, and I eat.  I can see my stomach looking more and more disgusting.  Which leads me into my next topic....

When I started out as a freshman in high school, I weighed in at about 229 lbs.  I was only about 5 foot 3.  I was short and fat.  Lets add that I was very awkward, and a sort of outcast with very low self-esteem.  The perfect combination for just about a million psychological problems.  Right now, I am going to focus on one that I live with everyday of my life.
Late in my freshman year, going into the summer of sophomore year, I started to skip meals here, and avoid eating there.  Of course I hid it, I would still eat sometimes, just to avoid attention to what I did not want to admit.  But the more time went on, the less I would eat.  Soon I was skipping entire days, maybe eating a couple french fries, or grabbing some grapes from somebody, never much more than that.  I could not tell you the day, or the time, but I just stopped eating all together.  I would go days without ever eating a single thing, and than, when I did, I would eat enough, but never what I needed in nutrients.  I still can not say it, hell, I can  not type the name of my demons.  The one good thing I did with this, was kept my doctor in the loop.  She knew everything I was going through.  In order to better supply me with any form of nutrition she had me on a kind of shake that I drank everyday, some form of health, that way I was not going to die of malnutrition while I was starving myself.  I am glad for that everyday.  At the worst point, I could go about 3 weeks without ever touching a grain of salt.
My doctor, having known that all along I would need some help finally laid it out for me.  She said even though I was on the shakes, that if I did not start eating, and having a healthy diet, I was going to end up in the hospital.  I knew all this, I heard it all the time in health class, I was in denial of ever having a major problem.  Then she told me what I needed to hear.  She said I was going to hurt the people I love, the people who care about me the most.
I started then to attempt to get a little bit of food in me.  I would pick at my friends lunches, and try to eat whatever it was my mother made for dinner.  Usually only getting a couple bites in.  The weirdest feeling in the world is being full on two bites of grilled cheese.
I fought all through high school, to maintain some form of health.  For anyone who may have dealt with an eating disorder, or knows someone close to them who has, you will already know this, but to those who may not:
An eating disorder is a mental impairment a person must live with everyday of their lives.
I weigh a healthy 165 lbs today, and have been able to maintain that, even though I do fight everyday.  I sometimes force myself to eat a bowl of cereal, or make a small snack to make sure I never fall into the habit of not eating again.
If I ever hurt the ones I love, there would be no forgiveness.
I would not survive my guilt.

But I did survive my small battle.

Thank You


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

It's Been A While My Friends....I am sorry I neglected you....

"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you, you wanna touch me too, every way and when they set me free, just put your hands on me"
~I Wanna Touch You, The All American Rejects~

This is Scary as Hell

A whole hell of a lot of nothing has been going on lately.

I am going to just ramble and hope that I get everything in here.  I don't know if I will, but I will try and get all the details and not leave anything out.  Sorry if I do.

I sit a home a lot, but my sleep schedule is a little fixed.  I sleep about 12, and get up about 10 so that is better than sleep at 7 or 8 and get up at 5.

I still have to wait to get into classes at Mott(our community college) so I can get my GPA up.

I am on the UofM - Flint campus a lot.  I mean, like everyday.  My philosophy is I would rather be bored up there around people, than at home, losing my mind with my family.

On that note, I was on campus the past two days, just hanging out and seeing people.
I have noticed quite a bit about everyone there.  Maybe I have grown, maybe they have grown, but everyone I talk to seems to have changed.  Some of them, I am not sure, is for the better.
Just wanted to let those of my friends who are talking shit, and being stupid.... You are NOT going to make it in my life if you keep going.  I have and will cut anyone out of my life who causes me grief.  I don't have time to put up with high school drama, and I really don't have the patience.  You know who you are, and I know who you are.  Keep going.

I was on campus yesterday, and I had said that I was trying to get in touch with someone who I have not talked to in a great while, and scary, they walk up about 10 minutes later.  I wish I had more time to talk to them, but I had to go to the dorms and chill.

I got my house key from some friends on campus today.  Glad I got that back.  It would be nice to talk to the guy who was trying to get it back to me more.  I probably shouldn't say this, in fear I may come off as a creeper, but I have had a crush on him since my freshman year in high school.  I am going to be 20 in a month and twelve days.   It has been a long crush.

Oh yeah the guy that I have been so totally confused about, and all that jazz.
He had a party this past weekend that we went to.  I was going to stay the night, but a couple of my friends kind of cock-blocked.  I am not sure what they hell their problem was because I would not have done that to them.  I am a grown ass man, and I can take care of myself.  And, If I want to stay the night at a boys house, I am going to.  Final

That I guess is it for the night.  I feel like there is more, but I can not for the life of me remember.

Love <3