Thursday, February 4, 2010

Too deep for comfort....and no it is not dirty....

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I can offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love"
~Make You Feel My Love, Adele~

I think I need a little help.

For everyday I spend in my house, I need two to recover.  Being here depresses me every second of everyday. What is worse, is there is no real reason for it.  I mean, I wake up everyday, and if I do not have plans to get out, I take a shower, get dressed, and than sit around all day.  I can not deal with going to therapists, and psychologists once a week again.  So I just don't think to much.  Oh yeah, and I eat.  I can see my stomach looking more and more disgusting.  Which leads me into my next topic....

When I started out as a freshman in high school, I weighed in at about 229 lbs.  I was only about 5 foot 3.  I was short and fat.  Lets add that I was very awkward, and a sort of outcast with very low self-esteem.  The perfect combination for just about a million psychological problems.  Right now, I am going to focus on one that I live with everyday of my life.
Late in my freshman year, going into the summer of sophomore year, I started to skip meals here, and avoid eating there.  Of course I hid it, I would still eat sometimes, just to avoid attention to what I did not want to admit.  But the more time went on, the less I would eat.  Soon I was skipping entire days, maybe eating a couple french fries, or grabbing some grapes from somebody, never much more than that.  I could not tell you the day, or the time, but I just stopped eating all together.  I would go days without ever eating a single thing, and than, when I did, I would eat enough, but never what I needed in nutrients.  I still can not say it, hell, I can  not type the name of my demons.  The one good thing I did with this, was kept my doctor in the loop.  She knew everything I was going through.  In order to better supply me with any form of nutrition she had me on a kind of shake that I drank everyday, some form of health, that way I was not going to die of malnutrition while I was starving myself.  I am glad for that everyday.  At the worst point, I could go about 3 weeks without ever touching a grain of salt.
My doctor, having known that all along I would need some help finally laid it out for me.  She said even though I was on the shakes, that if I did not start eating, and having a healthy diet, I was going to end up in the hospital.  I knew all this, I heard it all the time in health class, I was in denial of ever having a major problem.  Then she told me what I needed to hear.  She said I was going to hurt the people I love, the people who care about me the most.
I started then to attempt to get a little bit of food in me.  I would pick at my friends lunches, and try to eat whatever it was my mother made for dinner.  Usually only getting a couple bites in.  The weirdest feeling in the world is being full on two bites of grilled cheese.
I fought all through high school, to maintain some form of health.  For anyone who may have dealt with an eating disorder, or knows someone close to them who has, you will already know this, but to those who may not:
An eating disorder is a mental impairment a person must live with everyday of their lives.
I weigh a healthy 165 lbs today, and have been able to maintain that, even though I do fight everyday.  I sometimes force myself to eat a bowl of cereal, or make a small snack to make sure I never fall into the habit of not eating again.
If I ever hurt the ones I love, there would be no forgiveness.
I would not survive my guilt.

But I did survive my small battle.

Thank You



  1. Hi Travis. Eating disorders are really hard on those affected and people around them. I hope that you can continue to improve. I admire your bravery for sharing this with us.

  2. You've survived a lot already, it took real strength to face up to your eating disorder. Maybe it's time to reach out for help again.