Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Letter One...A new endeavor....

So starting a new project.  I talked about it a little bit in a previous post.  I don't think that it is going to give me anything, other than an outlet, but I am going to write letters to all my ex-somethings.  I won't use any names, and I am not sure how into detail I am going to go.  I just feel like in order to keep track, I need to do this.  I also am feeling more and more like, as the famous quote goes, "Nice Guys Finish Last."

Dear first anything,

It was a year and a half after I had come out of the closet before I ever had the chance to try anything with anyone.  And for some reason, you were the first person I had the gift of trying things with.  I am still not sure, and I ask myself everyday, why you would let me.  I wonder, maybe someday if you will reveal your secret to the world.  And I know that you are straight.

That summer was awesome.  I was seventeen, and you were staying here, you had some troubles, and we were the place you chose to come.  You called it home for a short while.  Weirdly enough, you made us into a family, your family.
We also had got one of those small blow up pools.  Another first for me.  The most I ever had for a pool was a slip and slide.  While this one was not the best in the world, it was good enough to chill in, and to be in the water.  Plus, at night, it made for an awesome time to go skinny dipping.  I can't count the many times we did.  Often times, we would chill out after in the basement, the spare room we had, sitting on the couch, playing video games or watching some movies.  I would steal glances at you, not in a sexual way, but it just seemed like you would not be unreceptive to my looking.  You work hard to look good, and we had talked so much over the past couple of years about a lot.  I would never stare, but I was sure you had seen me glancing more than once.  You knew most of my secrets at the time.
There was a night, not unlike any other that had happened.  We went swimming that night, and smart us, left our towels on the other side of the yard.  You, being the brave one, stood right up, stepped out of the pool, and with the water coursing through your hair, dripping down onto your neck, and shoulders, running down your back, over your perfect ass, past your thighs, over your calves, and into the grass, you walked right over, grabbed a towel, and started to dry off.  You stood right there, turning your body slightly towards me as I tried to look away, and gave me a small hint of you.  I felt the must trust from you at this point.  I felt you knew I looked, and you did not care.  I felt something in me stir, something that said, wow.
You were straight though.  So I looked away.
We ended up, our same routine, in the spare room downstairs, sitting on the couch, me in a towel and a t-shirt, you in a pair of ice colored boxer briefs.  The show Invader Zim is on, but we are busy just talking about anything and everything.  It's amazing that people who see each other everyday, most of the days, can still find things to find to talk about.  I have no idea how, but talking about being gay, and everything it entails came up.  I found out all the things you would never do with a guy, at least not without a lot, a lot, of money involved, and definitely no chance of "remembering" it.  I am not sure why, but I felt a little sad in the pit of my stomach.  I think maybe I had lost a small glimmer of hope in the back of my head.
That night, it was very late going to bed, and you slept in the bed outside the spare room, and my room was upstairs.  As I was walking up the stairs to go to bed, you asked me to turn the light off.  Somewhere between the three steps from the stairs to the pullcord on the light, I grew some balls, and blurted out
"Can I just taste 'it'?"
I had prepared myself for the answer, but when you responded, I was beyond astounded.
"Turn off the Light."
You can believe I had that light off before you finished that sentence.  I heard you pull your shorts down, and then
"All right."
It was like an ancient instinct took over me as I sat on the edge of that twin mattress.  I had my eyes shut, uselessly since the light was off, and I slowly leaned forward.  I ran my hand up your thigh, and found what I was looking for, slowly wrapping my hands around it.  You had a semi. I look back, wondering if that means anything.  I lean a little bit closer, hearing you breath in sharply as my lips wrap around what I never thought would happen.  As soon as it starts, I end it.  I did not want to cross a line that would ruin our friendship.  I walk up the stairs, wondering if what I did was already too much.

We sleep well into the afternoon, only waking up when having to take a piss, and getting hunger pains wakes us.  You come upstairs, and I am watching t.v. I had only been up about five minutes, but already you look more awake than me.  I notice your body, moving in the pajama pants you borrow from me.  I can see an outline of you in them.  I remember last night, and think maybe it is a dream.  I ask you, if I did anything out of line last night, and you say, no.  That is when I knew it was not a dream.
Later in the day, we are chilling upstairs in my sisters room.  She is gone to a memorial for our friends grandfather.  The television is on, again with background noise, and we are talking.  The whole time, I am trying to think of a way to do it again.  Just once.  I try to steer the conversation into the direction that will open up the topic, but it feels like you are also trying to avoid this topic.  I can feel courage, welling up inside me.  I keep trying to say something, but every time I quickly blurt out something different.  But, the courage, it continues to grow.
"Can I do it again?"
You look right at me.  Your eyes, they meet mine, they say something to me, but I am not sure, I can not quite see your answer, but I feel like they are happy, like you want to say yes.  I am not sure what you are going to say, but I hope that you say yes.
"Do what,"
You say, a smirk on your face, the lines at the end of your lips creating small dimples on your cheeks.
I don't want to say it out loud, my dad is sitting right downstairs watching t.v. and I know the door is only half closed.  So I whisper
"You know, what happened last night.  I was just wondering, if maybe, you know, it could happen, a little bit longer?"
"Are you going to tell anyone?"
"I, I, I don't know.  I guess, well, it would be my first time."
You still have that smirk.  I think that you have the answer, and I feel like maybe it is in my favor.  You look away a second, maybe to look like you are thinking, maybe you really are thinking, but it is only for a moment.  You look back at me, nod your head, and lay back, ready.
My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to skip a few beats. I move down to the end of the mattress, this one is larger, but on the floor.  Looking back I realize it makes for easier access to a holy part that so many hold dear.  I move up into the split of your legs, wrap my fingers over the waist of the pajama pants you are wearing and slide them down.  As you flop out, I notice again that you have a semi, not to mention you are hung like a horse.  Again, I wrap my hand around it, lowering my open mouth down to taste you once again.  The moment I reach it, my tongue having barely touched it, it perks right up, and for a split second, I worry I am not going to do this right.  But, those ancient animal instincts, the ones that help everyone who knows how to find them, kick in, and my mind goes blank, and they take over.
It only lasts a few minutes, you finish quick, I am sure it has been a long time since this has happened for you. And I return to myself.  I calm that animal that rears its glorious head back and lets loose, begging to be released again soon.  I look up your body, past your rising stomach, and over your toned chest, and into your eyes.  They have changed color slightly, from the hazel they are to more green then brown.  You look relaxed, and I say the only thing that comes to mind
"I'm hungry."
You laugh, and we go downstairs to find some food.

I remember that summer with you every time I talk about my 'brother'.  You are the first person I ever did anything with, and you, unknowingly, allowed me to solidify myself.  I have always trusted you the most, out of almost anybody in my life.  I keep in contact with you, and I consider you the best family, the only brother, that I have.  I may never do anything with you, and I will forever be happy with that.  We have moved past that, and grown into something more.  Maybe carrying the secret of those days has brought us closer, but I would never trade them in for anything different.

Thank You so much for always being there, for being someone I could trust, for being my 'Brother'


Short and Sweet

so last night was rough, but I'm over it.
the only thing that I ask myself:

Why the F*** do I not fight for what I want?

I mean, seriously!

I also need a different job.  Bagboy is not going to cut it. Not for minimum wage(7.40)

Thinking bout taking a walk.  Might be gone a long time....

Work tomorrow.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Once again, I learn to never let my fences down....

"Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
~I'm not that girl, Wicked~
(Second Post, I know)

I said bye.  That's the second time in one month.  I think there is something wrong with me.

I don't know why either.  I listened to them.  I spoke to them.  I shared some of my fears, and some of my hopes.  My emotions, my dreams(literally), and my time.

And it was amazing.

But I went, and did it again.  I did it all for the one person I could never truly make happy.  Rules make me mad.  I am tired of not having anything in life to offer.  I am sick of not knowing if the person I open up to is ever going to truly open up to me.  And I know you are going to read this.

Please don't feel bad.  I don't blame you.  I don't think you are wrong.  I just need to vent, and this is my venue. I don't want you to feel bad.  I understand where you are coming from.  I understand that your past has given you inhibitions.  I understand.

I'm not mad.  I did it myself. I think to fast, and speak to much.  Then, even though I know I should not, I start to like.  And I lied.  I know, I said a lot that I did not see it like that, but even keeping it in the back of my mind, I did get my hopes up.  I hope that you do not think that I am mad at anyone, or that anything is wrong.  I guess I just thought maybe I was different now.  Especially now that you know I am not all that you that I was.

As long as you smile, I am happy.


You can have my coat anytime.


Friday, March 26, 2010

just an update. better one later....

"Don't dream to far, don't lose sight of who you are, don't remember that rush of joy"
~I'm Not That Girl, Wicked

Today, well, it was a roller coaster to say the least.

As my earlier post says, I laid someone dear to me to rest today, but that was not the end of my day.

I chilled at home for a few hours, and decided I wanted to go see a movie.  So, I started talking to someone that I don't get to hangout with much, and well, we planned it out.  We had intended to go see How To Train Your Dragon.  I also got a hold of another one of my friends I have not seen in ages, and she said she might be able to make it.  I was super hoping she could.
So we get to the movie theatre, and surprise! She could make it. lol.
At the counter for the movie, the girl tells us that it is half full, and filling up fast, which is cool, except I can't really sit in a theatre full of little kids for a long time, I would go crazy. We decided to go see Bounty Hunter. I can honestly say, I liked it. It lived up to my expectations, and made me laugh quite a bit.

After, we kind of just rode around, finding random things to do. Go to Wal-Mart, sneak into a local dam, look at sculptures at my high school.  You know, the same ol' same ol' stuff.
We also got to talk, which is something good for me, but I liked to listen a lot more.
I don't want to say this, knowing that it can't happen, and the person reads my blog, but well, someday down the road, it would be nice.  They took my mind off a lot, including my papa dying, and a boy from which I should get over.  I am not saying that it will, but I definitely think that the future holds many mysteries.

I think in the end though I need to say thank you to them.  They did get me through today, and it was good to know that someone was there.
Thank You!!!!
....you know who you are....

I have an awesome idea for a blog post, but I did not want to be up all night(contradictory of my blog title) writing it. Maybe I will do it like a series, or in different chunks.

Thanks For Reading.


See You Again Someday...

Goodbye for now.
There are only rare occasions that I will say goodbye, it is usually see you later, or talk to you later, or peace, or something like that.  I hate to say goodbye, its too final, too formal.
I hate the finality of it.

Today I said goodbye.

At least for now it is goodbye.

Rest In Peace  Papa Percy....


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Made It Through The Night

"And do you know, that everydays the first, of the rest, of, your life"

~Angels On The Moon, Thriving Ivory~

I had a dream the night before last that someone close to me had passed away.  I slept until 3:30 yesterday.  Woke up, and found out my Papa Percy had succumbed to his battle with cancer.
That stings quite a bit.

I am not so much sad, as relieved that he is no longer suffering.  I know that we will all meet again, and I know that he is no longer hurting.  So no, I did not have that rough of a day.  I just sat, chilled, and remembered.  It is scary how dealing with death can come almost naturally anymore.  But I guess that is just a part of my life.

I wanted to let everyone know about this, so that I could not dwell on the negative. Positive things have been happening for me also.

My Aunt, and Mom, and Dad surprised me with an iPod Touch on my sisters birthday.  I think this is the first solid gift I have gotten that had any real value in a few years.  I hid it well, but I almost started to cry. Lol.  I am very happy with it so far.  Though my music alone takes up most of the space, and I don't have the movies that I have downloaded on there. I guess I am going to have to pick and choose what I want on there, and when.

I am going to go now, thinking I am going to hang out downtown, and see some people. I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up and watched The Pretender.  I think I'm going to be with Katie for a while.  I hope we go to the movies, I have a free ticket that needs to get used.

Thanks everyone for taking time out of life to read about mine.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

Lets See Who Reads This....BIRTHDAY MONTH

"I might need you to hold me tonight, I might need you to say it's alright, I might need you to take the first stand, because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man"
~Hold Me, Savage Garden~

So to start out, I want to see who reads this.  If you do, and are on my Facebook, would you please comment on my wall or send me a message, just to let me know. I am very curious. Keep reading if you need comment material.

So the past week or so has been pretty ok.

The weather was amazing, up until this morning.  It has been beautiful, I even walked down to the UofM-Flint Campus on wednesday.  But, that was because of a fight that my sister and my mother started with me.

It was St. Patrick's Day Wednesday, my Grandmothers birthday, and my friends birthday.  It was busy to say the least.

Thursday I went to Churchills for another St. Patty's Day party put on by another local Fraternity.  Got kind of bored, and the eye candy was minimal so I left early and went back to the dorms and hung out.  I went home that night.

Last night, we celebrated another friend of mines birthday. Kind of got crazy, but not bad.
We went to Starlight, one of the best Coney Islands ever!
Well, we got there and the door was locked because they were packed, and full to the max.  Me, being the drunken diva that I am, started ranting about going elsewhere, and started spouting off other places we could go, it was kind of stupid, and childish, but I was pretty drunk.  We got in though, so it was no biggie.  Last night was awesome.

I am sure there are more stories I could tell you, but I can honestly not remember any of them.  Don't you hate that?

Oh yeah! I have a job now.  I interviewed at the Kroger on the corner by my house last saturday, and they sent the drug test out Monday, in which I passed, of course, and I start training and working Thursday at noon.  So yeah, if you read this congratulate me on Facebook.

I am going to be cutting friends out of my life soon.  The people who are using me, and abusing me.  The ones who say one thing, and do another.  The ones who lie.  The ones who think they are fooling me.  And the ones I wish I did not have to.

I also would like to pose a question to a certain group on campus, because I, for the life of me, can not figure it out.  I hope I get a positive answer, because frankly, I am not very happy with them.

I am still single. And unwillingly celibate. haha. It's life though.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Birthday Post!!!!!!

I had a blast last night. 
I was super trashed, and as much as I would love to detail every single moment of the night for you, I can not.  One, because I have just enough time for a quick post, and two, I can only remember some of it. So I may have a guest writer come and write for me about it all.

I also want to tell everyone about a friend of mines blog.  He just started it, and I know he is looking to share his thoughts with you.  He is just getting out of a relationship, and as far as I can tell, he is doing better everyday that passes.  His names Kevin, and you guys will love his blog posts.  Promise. Just click on his name and it will take you to his blog.

Ok, I am going to get out of here.  I am so happy it is my birthday
I turned 20 at 1:23 this morning, and my twin sister turned 20 at 1:29.
Hope everyone is having a good day, and I will be back on soon.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Kind of...I Don't Know

"In my head, I see you, all over me. In my head, you, fulfill, my fantasy"
~In My Head, Jason Derulo~

I love this song, and I love to live.

Yesterday, I was up till 4:30 in the morning, and then went to bed.  At 7 o'clock, I woke up, and was about 2.3 seconds from losing my self.  I had the worst nightmare in my life, and it scared me, more than I have ever been scared, in my life.  Now, I have had some pretty close encounters in my life, including almost being bitten by a copperhead in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.
I do not really want to talk about the dream, because I know that one day it is going to come true in a sense, and I do not want to be reminded of that. I only hope that when it does, I have someone there to take care of me.

I spent the next few hours after that waiting to hear from my friend about getting a ride downtown to UofM.  I totally made it down there. lol
It was a blast, I love going down there, and seeing all the people that I know.  I think the most important thing in life is getting out, and seeing the world, including the people who inhabit it.  How else will we learn why we are here.
Well I spent the day trying to figure out who the mystery asker from my Formspring was, and hoping they would talk to me...I kind of really want to meet them, I am not used to not knowing who it is that talks to me.
I am not sure if I have talked about this at all, so I will now. I started Formspring, and I was getting some awesome, but personal, questions.  So I told whoever it was to email me if they were serious. Well, they were, and they did.  Which is awesome in itself.  Well, we chatted a little bit, and I found out a few details that should help me.  They were in one of my classes last year, and I really feel bad because I do not know if I remember them.  I do not think we talked, and I was busy checking out a crush I have, so I did not really pay attention.  But, maybe I should have.  Anyways, I have not heard anything from them for a few days, and I am wondering where they went, but it's cool.  Maybe some other day.

I came home yesterday, and went to bed at 11, which is like super early for me.  I am not usually in bed before 2, so it was weird, but I was running on a very little sleep.

I got up at 7:30 this morning and it sucked too.  But I am going to keep doing it so that I can get on a schedule.
I ended up going downtown again with Katie, and hung out in the LGBT Center a while.  I could go into more on this topic, but I do not think I will.  There is some things that I do not want to speculate on.

I went and hung out with Judy and Paul, with Katie.  Tym and John came over, and we had a lot of fun.  But I was reminded that I am not going to have anybody there for me at my birthday party.  I do not mean no one will be there, I mean, when I fall asleep, I am going to be alone.  I do not like that.  But there is only one person that I really want to be with, and only a very few others I could see myself with.  I guess someday it will happen, but I would love it someday soon....

Today was just normal, and I think that tomorrow will be too. I have my friends birthday party at BDubs and Churchills, and I plan to have a lot of fun.  Get at me sometime everyone, I love to talk, and love to meet people.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Lazy. Crush PICS, Formspring, and Bowling.

I do not have a quote for here this week, and the music I am listening to is new so I do not know if there are any words I like yet. L :(

I think there is some kind of something weird attached to my url.....help me

There is no way I can remember everything that has been going on, but I am going to write, till I think of as much as I can.
Of course, I can not think of anything now....drats....

Well, I just started getting into Formspring.  For those who may not know what that is, it is a website where people can visit, and ask anonymous questions.  It is amazing.  I have fallen in love with it.  It has even led to a guy e-mailing me.  I still do not know who he is, but he has asked a lot of questions, and I have been learning a lot about him.  He was in one of my classes last year, but I do not know if I remember him, which sucks.  I kind of want to meet him.  I think we could be friends. Here is my link just in case anyone wants to check it out. Read through my questions, they are funny.  And you will learn a lot about me. Formspring!!!!!!

I was checking out some blog that I follow, and just looking through old post's I found a picture that I am like 98% sure is a guy I have a crush on.  I was pretty much not thinking about even trying to talk to him, but after this picture, I think I might actually try. lol. It is revealing, but artistically so...I wonder if there are more, in a spread or something.  He is also hot as hell. Maybe I will post a link to the picture if I have any requests.

I have no idea what else to say.

Oh. Well Katie and I are always chilling, and a few days this past weekend we have  been drinking. But last night was the best, by far.
We had been planning to go bowling so Katie called around and one bowling alley said they had glow bowling starting earlier than everywhere else, but it was a lie. So we came back to my house and did some pre-gaming.  Well, after we got to the bowling alley, we had a blast, and I kept sneaking drinks. SHHH. ahaha.  I was pretty tipsy last night, and only did well about 2 frames.  I bowled a 108 the first game, and we did not even get to finish our second game. I kind of wanted Katie's money back.  It was a rip off.

I want to talk to this person who e-mailed me from formspring.
I want to talk to the guy who's picture I found.
I want to talk to someone else.

I am Happy


My birthday is March 14th, and I am having a party on the 13th, and maybe on the 14th, depending. I am so excited.  I have a countdown till next years though....



im gonna post soon, but i am doing a lot, and i am hoping that i can update everyone on everything. it has been pretty eventful going on in my life.

i love formspring
i love my friends
i love life