So lately I have been working. I think after these next couple paychecks I am going to save a bunch, probably about 800 dollars, and head down to the auction. I am going to go buy myself a car, and then I am going to leave. Well, maybe not leave, but I will buy myself a car soon. Plus I have to start saving for my apartment.
Had a lot of other things on my mind, but I don't really feel like talking about them. I am tired of hearing other peoples advice about what I should do, I know what I want to do, and I know what I have to do, and I will make them work together for me. Life is not about balance, because balance is compromise. It is about living, and I think I have been failing to do that lately. Now I got a job, I am taking my life off the back burner, and turning the heat on high...
On to the second letter of my series.
Dear Keeper of my V-Card, June 9, 2008
That day still stands in my mind.
I am not really sure what I want to say to you, I guess I just want to talk. I know that a replay of everything doesn't need to happen, I think, or at least hope, you look back at that night every once in a while. I do. I mean, it was the first time I connected with a man, well, young man, and I was terrified, yet totally at ease. I think that if it was with anyone else, I don't think I would have been as happy. You were the right person for me to cross the boundaries into a new life. For that I have to say, I am forever in your debt.
Unfortunately you are straight, though I am not so sure, that is what you choose to go by, and I made the mistake of talking to the wrong people about it. I know I had said I was not going to talk about it, but in my defense, I could not hide the fact I lost my virginity to someone, especially what a great friend that you were, and the opportunity I had to be with you in a way that is shared with few people throughout a person's life.
It was a thursday, the only way I really remember that is because I did not have class the next morning. My best friend and I, were just getting out of class, and I needed to pay my phone bill. I guess it was a good thing, because it was a bit overdue, and I am glad that I did. We were standing in the Sprint store, waiting to talk to someone about a couple of things, when my phone rang. I look at the screen and see your name, and ask my friend, why you would be calling. I thought maybe it was to get a hold of her. You had been pining for her throughout high school. I press the answer button, and we start talking a little bit. You tell me the reason you called was to see if I had my sisters number. I gave it to you, not really caring or anything why you wanted it, and we kept talking. One thing leads to another, and we decide to hang out after I pay my bill. Nothing unusual there.
When we get to your house, the three of us just chat for a while, you are on myspace, listening to ICP. You were wearing shorts and a white t-shirt, and some skater shoes. As usual. I pet your animals, at least one cat, and one dog. I love animals.
I am amazed that I still remember all of this.
We were only there a little bit, we were planning on going and seeing Wanted, with Angelina Jolie. Yeah, I remember the movie even. On our way to the mall, I get on my phone, and send you a message on myspace. It was simple, short, sweet.
have you ever done anything, or thought about it, with a guy?
Thats all it said, but those words led to one of the most pivotal moments in anyone's life, more importantly, my life. The friend I was with, well, I told them I sent the message, and we kind of talked about it, but figured nothing was going to come it. Even still I kept my phone in my hands throughout the whole movie. I was hoping that you would reply something. To my dismay, nothing happened, no texts, no emails, no IM's. But well, I had not expected much of anything. I figured that the answer was just a no, and I left it at that.
Boy was I wrong...
Walking out to the car, it was about eleven when the movie ended, my phone rang. Who else could it be, but you? My heart jumped a little bit, I was curious to see what you had to say, so I answered.
"Hey, I'm kind of bored. Do you guys want to come chill at my house for a little bit?"
"Sure. We'll be there in a minute, the movie just ended."
I was expecting more than that, but it was something, and we were on our way to your house. I knew that something was going to happen, or at least I was pretty much begging god for it.
Jump forward the short drive to your house, I am sitting in your living room, watching whatever the skating show that you had playing was. I was getting pretty tired, we had gotten up early for our summer school classes, and I was so ready to sleep in the next morning. You and my friend were standing at your computer in the kitchen, you were typing and playing different things, and they were leaning on your little island counter. I figured then that you had called to get to my friend, and I was slightly disappointed, but not hurt or anything. You come out then, with them, and we just start talking about random things, and you tell us more about the show on the t.v. that I have been watching. I keep thinking how hot you are compared to those skaters on. You could definitly do better than them.
There I am dozing off, when you say the best line I have ever heard, or at least for the moment. You let us know that we can just spend the night at your house, telling us that your parents are gone to Holland for the weekend, and your brother is already in bed sleeping. I am pretty much down for this, how else was I going to get in the same room with you? Of course I say sure. But my friend says they got to go, they want to do somethings at home before bed. YES!
They head out to their car, you walk them out, and I hear you guys talking, not paying any attention to what about. It gets quiet, I assume you two hug, and then I hear the car door shut. You come back in the house, and sit in the chair towards the couch I am laying on. I hear outside the car start, and the gravel underneath the tires as my friend pulls out. My senses suddenly go into overdrive. I am starting to wake up a bit when you say what I never thought I would hear:
"I read your email."
"You wanna head up to my room?"
HOLY SHIT!!!!! No fucking way is this for real!
You lead me up the stairs, to the first door on the left. Your room. Your bed is in the opposite corner from the door, against his open closet. You have posters and a lot of different things written all over your walls. Even your ceiling has writing from all the visitors that you have had. I wonder to myself how many of these people have gotten as far as I was about to be. A shiver ran down my spine, and I smile.
We ended up tangled up in eachother, never kissing, but the closeness, almost intimacy was still there. We both touched, and smelled, and saw eachother in a rare way, and the feelings, I can only think were mutual. At one point, we took a break, and you put on some pants, and grabbed your guitar. I have never admitted it, until now, but the song you wrote, the one you sang, it made me smile. I am not sure if you sing for all your fucks, but it made me feel like that was right. I think you really know how to woo a person, once they are already in your bed. For you, I am not including the details of everything that happened. I feel it is the least that I can do.
I lost you as a friend, soon after this night. I broke the promise that I made to you, and for it, I am sorry. You had asked me not to tell anyone, and I, being young, and stupid, told someone I thought that I trusted. I have learned from this, and I rarely tell anything to anyone because of the betrayel you have faced, and I have to.
If by chance, you read this, maybe you can see the impact you had in my life, and the want for that friendship, even a fraction of it, back. Maybe you can find somehow to forgive me someday. I am sorry.