Friday, April 23, 2010

Letter Two, Not my best, but I wanted to keep it short......

So lately I have been working.  I think after these next couple paychecks I am going to save a bunch, probably about 800 dollars, and head down to the auction. I am going to go buy myself a car, and then I am going to leave.  Well, maybe not leave, but I will buy myself a car soon.  Plus I have to start saving for my apartment.
Had a lot of other things on my mind, but I don't really feel like talking about them.  I am tired of hearing other peoples advice about what I should do, I  know what I want to do, and I know what I have to do, and I will make them work together for me.  Life is not about balance, because balance is compromise. It is about living, and I think I have been failing to do that lately.  Now I got a job, I am taking my life off the back burner, and turning the heat on high...
On to the second letter of my series.

Dear Keeper of my V-Card, June 9, 2008

That day still stands in my mind.
I am not really sure what I want to say to you, I guess I just want to talk.  I know that a replay of everything doesn't need to happen, I think, or at least hope, you look back at that night every once in a while.  I do.  I mean, it was the first time I connected with a man, well, young man, and I was terrified, yet totally at ease.  I think that if it was with anyone else, I don't think I would have been as happy.  You were the right person for me to cross the boundaries into a new life.  For that I have to say, I am forever in your debt.
Unfortunately you are straight, though I am not so sure, that is what you choose to go by, and I made the mistake of talking to the wrong people about it.  I know I had said I was not going to talk about it, but in my defense, I could not hide the fact I lost my virginity to someone, especially what a great friend that you were, and the opportunity I had to be with you in a way that is shared with few people throughout a person's life.

It was a thursday, the only way I really remember that is because I did not have class the next morning.  My best friend and I, were just getting out of class, and I needed to pay my phone bill.  I guess it was a good thing, because it was a bit overdue, and I am glad that I did.  We were standing in the Sprint store, waiting to talk to someone about a couple of things, when my phone rang.  I look at the screen and see your name, and ask my friend, why you would be calling.  I thought maybe it was to get a hold of her.  You had been pining for her throughout high school.  I press the answer button, and we start talking a little bit.  You tell me the reason you called was to see if I had my sisters number.  I gave it to you, not really caring or anything why you wanted it, and we kept talking.  One thing leads to another, and we decide to hang out after I pay my bill.  Nothing unusual there.

When we get to your house, the three of us just chat for a while, you are on myspace, listening to ICP. You were wearing shorts and a white t-shirt, and some skater shoes. As usual.  I pet your animals, at least one cat, and one dog.  I love animals.

I am amazed that I still remember all of this.

We were only there a little bit, we were planning on going and seeing Wanted, with Angelina Jolie.  Yeah, I remember the movie even.  On our way to the mall, I get on my phone, and send you a message on myspace.  It was simple, short, sweet.  


have you ever done anything, or thought about it, with a guy?


Thats all it said, but those words led to one of the most pivotal moments in anyone's life, more importantly, my life.  The friend I was with, well, I told them I sent the message, and we kind of talked about it, but figured nothing was going to come it.  Even still I kept my phone in my hands throughout the whole movie.  I was hoping that you would reply something.  To my  dismay, nothing happened, no texts, no emails, no IM's.  But well, I had not expected much of anything.  I figured that the answer was just a no, and I left it at that.

Boy was I wrong...

Walking out to the car, it was about eleven when the movie ended, my phone rang.  Who else could it be, but you?  My heart jumped a little bit, I was curious to see what you had to say, so I answered.

"Hey, I'm kind of bored.  Do you guys want to come chill at my house for a little bit?"

"Sure.  We'll be there in a minute, the movie just ended."

"Ok." Click

I was expecting more than that, but it was something, and we were on our way to your house.  I knew that something was going to happen, or at least I was pretty much begging god for it.

Jump forward the short drive to your house, I am sitting in your living room, watching whatever the skating show that you had playing was.  I was getting pretty tired, we had gotten up early for our summer school classes, and I was so ready to sleep in the next morning.  You and my friend were standing at your computer in the kitchen, you were typing and playing different things, and they were leaning on your little island counter.  I figured then that you had called to get to my friend, and I was slightly disappointed, but not hurt or anything.  You come out then, with them, and we just start talking about random things, and you tell us more about the show on the t.v. that I have been watching.  I keep thinking how hot you are compared to those skaters on.  You could definitly do better than them.

There I am dozing off, when you say the best line I have ever heard, or at least for the moment.  You let us know that we can just spend the night at your house, telling us that your parents are gone to Holland for the weekend, and your brother is already in bed sleeping.  I am pretty much down for this, how else was I going to get in the same room with you?  Of course I say sure.  But my friend says they got to go, they want to do somethings at home before bed.  YES!

They head out to their car, you walk them out, and I hear you guys talking, not paying any attention to what about.  It gets quiet, I assume you two hug, and then I hear the car door shut.  You come back in the house, and sit in the chair towards the couch I am laying on.  I hear outside the car start, and the gravel underneath the tires as my friend pulls out.  My senses suddenly go into overdrive.  I am starting to wake up a bit when you say what I never thought I would hear:

"I read your email."


"You wanna head up to my room?"

HOLY SHIT!!!!! No fucking way is this for real!
You lead me up the stairs, to the first door on the left.  Your room.  Your bed is in the opposite corner from the door, against his open closet.  You have posters and a lot of different things written all over your walls.  Even your ceiling has writing from all the visitors that you have had.  I wonder to myself how many of these people have gotten as far as I was about to be.  A shiver ran down my spine, and I smile.

We ended up tangled up in eachother, never kissing, but the closeness, almost intimacy was still there.  We both touched, and smelled, and saw eachother in a rare way, and the feelings, I can only think were mutual.  At one point, we took a break, and you put on some pants, and grabbed your guitar.  I have never admitted it, until now, but the song you wrote, the one you sang, it made me smile.  I am not sure if you sing for all your fucks, but it made me feel like that was right.  I think you really know how to woo a person, once they are already in your bed.  For you, I am not including the details of everything that happened.  I feel it is the least that I can do.

I lost you as a friend, soon after this night.  I broke the promise that I made to you, and for it, I am sorry.  You had asked me not to tell anyone, and I, being young, and stupid, told someone I thought that I trusted.  I have learned from this, and I rarely tell anything to anyone because of the betrayel you have faced, and I have to.  

If by chance, you read this, maybe you can see the impact you had in my life, and the want for that friendship, even a fraction of it, back.  Maybe you can find somehow to forgive me someday.  I am sorry.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Rant To A Best Friend

"And, I know that it's complicated, but I'm a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass, to mend all the broken hearts, with all my wrecked up friends"

Ok. So I am totally writing Letter two right now, but while I am, I want to talk about something else so I thought I would write a different post right now.  I guess I have a couple things that are really bugging me and I want to get them off my chest.

The first is that, and I am not naming any names, and in fact, I am not going to talk about it to much, but I have met a goal on my bucket list that I have been trying to get for a quite some time.  It was pretty awesome, and as much as I want to tell a few people about it, I am just going to keep it to myself.  I have to keep some secrets, or what fun would it be to find someone I can tell everything to?

Second, I have broke the law a bit over the last two days, but doing it gave me a chance to think about things that I have been putting off.  Sometimes, even when I am thinking, I hide from certain things, and this helped me face them a little.  I am not going to say what I did, or what I thought about, but I think that I have really been avoiding too much.  I really haven't been wanting to confront the things that are going to hurt.

Third, This one has really been bugging me.  Especially these last couple days.  Two of my best friends, and two people I trust very much are having a bit of dispute and I think it is getting kind of childish.  I have watch this thing come into life, I have watched it growing bigger, and I have recently seen it rear its big ugly head.

One of my friends, we will call her Beetle met a girl, we will call her Jane, around the same time that I came home, and soon after they started to date. I was pumped for her in all honesty.  Unfortunately, my friend wound up with a broken heart, and this girl, as she has told me, only wants to be friends.  Well, I have been watching this girl play with Beetles heart, and go after another one of my friends, we will call Iron, and I am starting to get sick of it.  She is tearing apart a good friendship, and has absolutely no remorse for it.  Oh yeah, she is still in high school.  I guess that says a lot....
At a party in the recent past, we were all there, a couple of things happened that I am slightly disappointed in.
Jane and Iron ended up going outside, because Jane had been telling Iron a lot of things, and talking about a lot between her and Beetle, and I am not sure all that happened outside, but I know that they ended up kissing, and that was the end.  When they came back in, Iron said she needed to talk to me about something, and that was it, I knew we would talk the next day, when we weren't surrounded by people.
Well, i guess that Jane here, has told Beetle that Iron was going after her, and that she has making moves at her behind Beetle's back.
That, I know for a fact, is a fucked up lie.  Iron has not, would not, and will never want Jane like that.  She has told me everything that has been going on with it, and I have been reading all the texts on how she has talked to her, and talked shit about Beetle also.
It hurts me to see my friends being played by someone who Beetle "loves" and has only been in our lives for a short while.  I think that something is seriously fucked up when you don't trust someone who has been there for you for years, and has not ever, EVER, given you a reason to not trust them....
You know you feel betrayed, but it is fucked up that you will not even believe the one person who has seen you leap into relationships, and fall hard when they ended.  She did not betray you, the one you think that you have "fallen in love" with is the one that is toying with your heart, and fucking with your head, and talking more shit than you will know about you.

I love you, but open your eyes.  And I hope you get pissed reading this, because I have been reading your blogs, and following your life, and hoping that you won't keep getting hurt.  You don't want any advice anymore, which is a big reason I don't tell you shit, but you also need to know I don't tell your secrets either.  You said something a couple days that I really felt hurt by, and I just smiled and changed the subject.  You are hurting your friends, and it is only getting worse. I trust you, and I wish you would take time to trust me, but you, I am not sure why, don't, or at least you don't act like it.

I have turned this into a rant, and I did not want to.
I have also gone off on someone that I did not want to.  I love them very much, but I don't want them to be hurt, and I don't want any of our other friends to be hurt either.  I would love to say this in person, but I don't get anytime with them to talk anymore....

Thanks guys, and Letter Two is for real almost done.  I have passed my writers block, and I will post it soon.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Quick Update. Letter two is almost done....


I just wanted to update everyone on how I am doing.
Today(Saturday) is the funeral for another family friend of ours that died of accidental causes early this week.  My big sister has been super torn up about this, it was her best friend, and this girl was the same age as me.  I know this is a bit of a pessimistic attitude, but I believe these things happen in three's, so I am waiting for number three.
I am also going to Grand Rapids today to see the tigers!!!
I am so excited to see some babies, and I can't wait to see a couple people that I really have been missing.  I wish more of the old crew could come out and get together, but we are split up through a couple different states. Haha.

Ok, I am headed to work.  I work from 8:15 until 12:15, and it really sucks because I did not fall asleep till 4, and I got up about 6:45.
Oh well

Thanks for reading, and I know everyone is looking forward to letter number two... I am typing it know, and I will be on my way to Grand Rapids, so it should be up pretty soon.  Sorry it is taking me so long....