Monday, May 24, 2010

just wanting to rant, and the such....

"If you see him, tell him I wish him well.  How am I doing? Well sometimes it's hard to tell, I still miss him more than ever, but please don't say a word, if you see him, oh if you see him"
~If You See Him/If You See Her, Reba McEntire with Brooks and Dunn~

I had a dream last night about a couple people in my life, some of them very important, some of them I have always known will be passing through.

Lately, especially when I am drinking, my mind stops registering everything else except for the emotions I am feeling, the stronger they are, the stronger I remember them.  Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me I need to feel more, to stop pushing things aside.  Maybe I need to confront a couple of things that I am not looking to come close to yet....

In my dream, I felt happy.  The kind of happy that I have not really felt in a while.  I am not saying that I am not happy now, but this was a different happy, an amazing, once in a lifetime happy.  I remember someone, I remember their heartbeat, or mine....ours?  I guess I will have to wait and see if it comes true.  In the mean time, I want to address this thing, this "love" that everyone keeps "falling" into.

First, I want to say, I believe that you can fall into love, just as you can fall out of love.  While it is meant to be, and should be, for a lifetime, not all love is created equal, and in life as we change and as the people we interact with change, the love that was once there must thus change also.
Second, I want to say that anyone who thinks they are in love after any shorter of a period than at the very least a year...A YEAR!!!!....is foolish and asking for heartbreak.  I believe that "love", and "in love" are two very different things, and it is all to easy to confuse them.

I wouldn't mind to keep going on this subject, but well, love is just a little boring to me right now.

I also want to send out a FUCK YOU to all you assholes, and bitches, who go to a grocery store, and think that you can treat the employees like they are the earth that you walk on.... Guess what...You are the shit of the earth if you think that you are any better than anyone else.  These people are giving you time out of their days to come into work, and put up with your bullshit day in and day out. What the fuck are you doing to make their day better, because they are stocking everything you are looking at, they are getting the carts that you use, they are asking you if you need help, they are caring about you, not only as a customer, but as a human being, they are ringing you up, and dealing with your bullshit, and they are bagging your groceries.  
So, what they hell are you doing for them?
Just saying, if you are having a bad day, or something just isn't going right in your life, do not come to the store that day thinking it is o.k. to treat the employees like your personal punching bags.  You are not that important, and someday, you are going to do it to the wrong employee, and they are going to snap.  Have you ever had to deal with an angry blue collar worker?  It is not pretty, and we will fuck your shit up.

One more thing, when I am walking, do not, I will repeat, DO NOT! think you are hard when you yell out your window at me.  I can not hear you with my headphones in, so it is useless to try and offend me.  Also, it makes you the Pussy Boy, hiding in your car.  Get out, and give me a reason to kick your ass, because I don't think your hard, I think your a power bottom looking for the fantastic top that is me. 

Relationships need to take a lot longer in life, than a couple weeks, with an expiration soon after its start.
Don't play games in a relationship, and don't lie.  If you say you like someone for any period of time, and the moment you are through say that you never felt anything, you are fooling yourself, and only fucking yourself over.  That lie right there makes you about 100 times easier to get over.

Alright, getting off my little tangents.  I am super pumped for the next couple of months.  I am going to be working on a couple things, that I am hoping will help me out, if not immediately, in the long run.  I have a couple surprises for some people also, but I have to wait till I have a little more money on my hands.

One last thing, I keep lying to the most important person in my life, ME!, and so far it has done me well.
I am avoiding talking to certain people in my life, trying to see if I was foolish or not for like them.  I keep telling myself that I don't think about them, and it actually works, but one of their birthdays is coming up, and I want to send them flowers.  Unfortunately, as far as I know they don't think about me, and I do not want to be the only one to care about someone.  I want there to be a mutuality to the relationships that I ever have, and I am not trying to waste my time getting all caught up on someone who will never be caught up on me.

Anyways, I think that I am talking to much, and I just wanted to make small rants.  I guess if you are reading this though you care about my life, and my happenings, and maybe, you care about me.

Goodnight my friends,


Monday, May 10, 2010

I feel like Letter Three

"Hoping to find a friend and a lover, God bless the day I discover, another heart, looking for love"
~Looking for Love~ Waylon Jennings

Just an update before I give you Letter Three.

Working a lot for minimum wage is not worth it, I can still barely start to pay any bills.  I know that this is super repetitive, seeing as I talk about it all the time, but I seriously think about working with my old job every single day of my life.
Went to a somewhat local zoo, one I had never been to before, but have always heard great reviews about.  I think that having worked for one, even though I have never been to the park I worked for as an employee, I was far from impressed.  My friend Katie, who I went with and was an employee at the park we worked for, also pointed out more things that I would not have noticed as readily.  The one thing that upset me the most was it looked as though these animals do when their will is broken.  The one spider monkey they had was lethargic, and had moved about 4 feet upwards the entire time we were there.  It was seriously the one thing that has stuck in my mind the most.  I worked closely with a spider monkey while I was touring, and I can remember not a single moment that he was ever lethargic.  Three months.  That was how long I worked, which may not seem like very long at all, but imagine being with an animal every moment, every day.  It adds up.
These animals at this zoo, they looked closer to death than I have ever wanted to see.  Their eyes had shown they gave up living, and were only existing till their bodies gave in.
Now, not all was bad at this park, their enclosures for the most part were super spacious, and they had a great variety of animals.  The animals that are of a domesticated type seemed happy, I even made a new goat friend I named Billeh.(Get it Billy. Lol)  The family's that were there visiting seemed happy, and the children were so excited to see all the animals.  I am glad there is a chance for them so close to home.  I think with a little work, this park could be much better, but my disappointment stems from previous work with a rescue organization.  I am thinking that soon, I am at least going to go and talk to the people who run the zoo, see if they have any plans to work on, and maintain their zoo a bit better in my opinion.

Ok, I want to type you guys letter three.  This one is about my first kiss...I hope you enjoy.

Dear Teacher(no not like school or college),

I remember seeing you the week that I moved into the First Street Residence Hall at the University of Michigan - Flint.  It was going to happen sooner or later, you were employed by the university, and were living in the hall.  That is all I am going to say about your personal life, I know people know who you are, but I want to let you have your privacy.
We talked here and there, over the time leading up to our meeting.  Maturity wise, I was not as far as I am now, and you were, at least what I thought, more mature than me.  I think that was the biggest thing that attracted me to you.  You were older than me, and in ways, more mature than me, but not so far to be a boring person.  And you had amazing eyes....
One night, I was in a friends room, talking to you on the computer, and our conversation turned to a more personal chat.  I started showing my innocence, talking about how little I had done, and how I was trying to find someone to learn from, while doing a little bit more.  I kind of played up to the fact you had said earlier you had been drinking.  Well, soon enough you were inviting me to your room, I had said I was looking to cuddle more than anything.
Fast forward about 10 minutes, and I am standing in your room.  Your bed is lofted on the right, opposite corner, a desk immediately to my right.  On my left is a keyboard, and I think to myself, wondering if you can play at all.  I decide it makes you about 2 times hotter just having it.
You were standing behind me, and you close the door as you turn the light off.  I walk to the ladder standing close to it, seeing the outline of your body as you slip your t-shirt over your head. The rustle of fabric falling to the floor as you slide your pants down and step out of them.  My heart starts beating a little faster, when I move to take my clothes off, I struggle a little bit with shirt.  Even though it is dark, and only outlines can be seen, I hurry up the ladder in my underwear, to lay down.  I am very self conscience and I don't want to risk you seeing my body.  I can see you coming up the ladder, and as you lie yourself down, my heart starts to race.  We kind of make a little small talk, and I admit that I have never really kissed anyone.  I feel kind of embarrassed, but you just smile and move closer.
The moment your lips come into contact with mine, my heart skips a beat, and flutters, and my body starts to shiver.  In my head I pray that you don't stop, and hope that you don't notice my body and the reactions to your touch.
You start to coach me in things that you have experienced, and things that you like, one kiss on the cheek, a little nibble of the ear, and suddenly we are making out, holding each other close.  I am almost positive that my body is going to burst.  Excitement has me aroused so much, and I can feel your arousal pressing against my leg just as much.
I decide to make this more than just kissing and cuddling, and move my body lower.  Kissing your chin, slowly tracing my fingers, following with my mouth to your bare chest.  I slide my fingers over the band of your boxer briefs, and slowly slip them down your legs, allowing you to pull your legs out one at a time.  Looking up your body, I am ready to start.

We saw each other a couple more nights after that, all of them quite amazing, and I don't think I slept much at all.  I know that every time, I was set on kissing.  The first time I ever did it, and though we don't really talk much anymore, I am reminded every time I kiss someone else that I was taught by you.  It was amazing, and I still don't think that what I have written has done justice to my feelings.

Thank You for my first kiss


This comic cracks me up, and I loved this one. Lol

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


I have been missing in action in the blog lately and I feel like that has not been good for me, and been a little more boring for you.  I hope that no one hates me for it. Haha

I am sitting here getting ready for work, thinking about all the things that were keeping me awake last night, and I think that I should start writing political speeches. Lol.  One giant thing that has been on my mind and on the mind of most of America is gay marriage.  Being a gay man, I do not understand most of the arguments against it, and I am also unable to understand how people can hate, I mean HATE, a human being because they are not the same as them.  I do not understand how a country that believes that it is the "greatest" can allow inequality and discrimination in the 21st century.  I can not understand why Americans can not treat each other as equals.  But, in our history, have we ever not persecuted and condemned minorities?

That is all I want to talk about right now, I don't want to be late for work, and if I keep going, I won't stop till I am finished.  I am going to start asking questions of key people in my life, and I am hoping not to lose them, but in order to change the world, I am not going to stand to have the most important people against me.

Have a great week! I am going to try and get more post's soon.  I know that letter three is long overdue....