So starting a new project. I talked about it a little bit in a previous post. I don't think that it is going to give me anything, other than an outlet, but I am going to write letters to all my ex-somethings. I won't use any names, and I am not sure how into detail I am going to go. I just feel like in order to keep track, I need to do this. I also am feeling more and more like, as the famous quote goes, "Nice Guys Finish Last."
Dear first anything,
It was a year and a half after I had come out of the closet before I ever had the chance to try anything with anyone. And for some reason, you were the first person I had the gift of trying things with. I am still not sure, and I ask myself everyday, why you would let me. I wonder, maybe someday if you will reveal your secret to the world. And I know that you are straight.
That summer was awesome. I was seventeen, and you were staying here, you had some troubles, and we were the place you chose to come. You called it home for a short while. Weirdly enough, you made us into a family, your family.
We also had got one of those small blow up pools. Another first for me. The most I ever had for a pool was a slip and slide. While this one was not the best in the world, it was good enough to chill in, and to be in the water. Plus, at night, it made for an awesome time to go skinny dipping. I can't count the many times we did. Often times, we would chill out after in the basement, the spare room we had, sitting on the couch, playing video games or watching some movies. I would steal glances at you, not in a sexual way, but it just seemed like you would not be unreceptive to my looking. You work hard to look good, and we had talked so much over the past couple of years about a lot. I would never stare, but I was sure you had seen me glancing more than once. You knew most of my secrets at the time.
There was a night, not unlike any other that had happened. We went swimming that night, and smart us, left our towels on the other side of the yard. You, being the brave one, stood right up, stepped out of the pool, and with the water coursing through your hair, dripping down onto your neck, and shoulders, running down your back, over your perfect ass, past your thighs, over your calves, and into the grass, you walked right over, grabbed a towel, and started to dry off. You stood right there, turning your body slightly towards me as I tried to look away, and gave me a small hint of you. I felt the must trust from you at this point. I felt you knew I looked, and you did not care. I felt something in me stir, something that said, wow.
You were straight though. So I looked away.
We ended up, our same routine, in the spare room downstairs, sitting on the couch, me in a towel and a t-shirt, you in a pair of ice colored boxer briefs. The show Invader Zim is on, but we are busy just talking about anything and everything. It's amazing that people who see each other everyday, most of the days, can still find things to find to talk about. I have no idea how, but talking about being gay, and everything it entails came up. I found out all the things you would never do with a guy, at least not without a lot, a lot, of money involved, and definitely no chance of "remembering" it. I am not sure why, but I felt a little sad in the pit of my stomach. I think maybe I had lost a small glimmer of hope in the back of my head.
That night, it was very late going to bed, and you slept in the bed outside the spare room, and my room was upstairs. As I was walking up the stairs to go to bed, you asked me to turn the light off. Somewhere between the three steps from the stairs to the pullcord on the light, I grew some balls, and blurted out
"Can I just taste 'it'?"
I had prepared myself for the answer, but when you responded, I was beyond astounded.
"Turn off the Light."
You can believe I had that light off before you finished that sentence. I heard you pull your shorts down, and then
It was like an ancient instinct took over me as I sat on the edge of that twin mattress. I had my eyes shut, uselessly since the light was off, and I slowly leaned forward. I ran my hand up your thigh, and found what I was looking for, slowly wrapping my hands around it. You had a semi. I look back, wondering if that means anything. I lean a little bit closer, hearing you breath in sharply as my lips wrap around what I never thought would happen. As soon as it starts, I end it. I did not want to cross a line that would ruin our friendship. I walk up the stairs, wondering if what I did was already too much.
We sleep well into the afternoon, only waking up when having to take a piss, and getting hunger pains wakes us. You come upstairs, and I am watching t.v. I had only been up about five minutes, but already you look more awake than me. I notice your body, moving in the pajama pants you borrow from me. I can see an outline of you in them. I remember last night, and think maybe it is a dream. I ask you, if I did anything out of line last night, and you say, no. That is when I knew it was not a dream.
Later in the day, we are chilling upstairs in my sisters room. She is gone to a memorial for our friends grandfather. The television is on, again with background noise, and we are talking. The whole time, I am trying to think of a way to do it again. Just once. I try to steer the conversation into the direction that will open up the topic, but it feels like you are also trying to avoid this topic. I can feel courage, welling up inside me. I keep trying to say something, but every time I quickly blurt out something different. But, the courage, it continues to grow.
"Can I do it again?"
You look right at me. Your eyes, they meet mine, they say something to me, but I am not sure, I can not quite see your answer, but I feel like they are happy, like you want to say yes. I am not sure what you are going to say, but I hope that you say yes.
You say, a smirk on your face, the lines at the end of your lips creating small dimples on your cheeks.
I don't want to say it out loud, my dad is sitting right downstairs watching t.v. and I know the door is only half closed. So I whisper
"You know, what happened last night. I was just wondering, if maybe, you know, it could happen, a little bit longer?"
"Are you going to tell anyone?"
"I, I, I don't know. I guess, well, it would be my first time."
You still have that smirk. I think that you have the answer, and I feel like maybe it is in my favor. You look away a second, maybe to look like you are thinking, maybe you really are thinking, but it is only for a moment. You look back at me, nod your head, and lay back, ready.
My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to skip a few beats. I move down to the end of the mattress, this one is larger, but on the floor. Looking back I realize it makes for easier access to a holy part that so many hold dear. I move up into the split of your legs, wrap my fingers over the waist of the pajama pants you are wearing and slide them down. As you flop out, I notice again that you have a semi, not to mention you are hung like a horse. Again, I wrap my hand around it, lowering my open mouth down to taste you once again. The moment I reach it, my tongue having barely touched it, it perks right up, and for a split second, I worry I am not going to do this right. But, those ancient animal instincts, the ones that help everyone who knows how to find them, kick in, and my mind goes blank, and they take over.
It only lasts a few minutes, you finish quick, I am sure it has been a long time since this has happened for you. And I return to myself. I calm that animal that rears its glorious head back and lets loose, begging to be released again soon. I look up your body, past your rising stomach, and over your toned chest, and into your eyes. They have changed color slightly, from the hazel they are to more green then brown. You look relaxed, and I say the only thing that comes to mind
You laugh, and we go downstairs to find some food.
I remember that summer with you every time I talk about my 'brother'. You are the first person I ever did anything with, and you, unknowingly, allowed me to solidify myself. I have always trusted you the most, out of almost anybody in my life. I keep in contact with you, and I consider you the best family, the only brother, that I have. I may never do anything with you, and I will forever be happy with that. We have moved past that, and grown into something more. Maybe carrying the secret of those days has brought us closer, but I would never trade them in for anything different.
Thank You so much for always being there, for being someone I could trust, for being my 'Brother'