To the Edgewater Florida School Parents...Explicit.

You selfish, childish, horrible people.

To my friends who aren't aware what is going on....

There is a school in Edgewater Florida, in accommodating a 6 year old, let me say that again, in protecting a SIX YEAR OLD little girl, has come under fire for requiring children in the school to wash their hands and face so as the girl does not risk coming into contact with any nut products. She is living with an allergy to nuts, that you may not know, but children are born with it.  She did not choose this life, or her allergies...

So I see where the parents are coming from, I mean, it is horrible that are children have to wash their hands after they eat. God forbid hygiene be forced. Our kids have the right to never wash themselves if they so chose. Who is this school to tell them they have to be clean...?
But wait, when I went to elementary school, I do recall in certain classes being taught, and made to wash my hands while I was at school. How many people were taught by their schools, not the parents basic hygiene?

How about these parents grow a pair, and quit complaining that the school is taking care of their students, no matter what.  If parents did not pawn their children off on schools 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, children would learn nothing. Parents do not have time, and many do not have the want, to teach their children.  Without these schools, many of your children would be even more stupid than you.  Yupp, I said it, you are stupid for forcing this girl to feel more singled out than she must already live. Horrible.

This 6 year old little girl has been out of school 4 days at the posting of this blog, because these horrible parents have a problem with their children washing their hands!!!! You selfish bastards. This child is missing important days of development, along with a chance for an education because you are mad your children have to wash their hands so this girl does not have to fear for her life, her life, HER LIFE!!!!

I can not understand how grown ass adults can be so horrible to a six year old girl. I know that if I was so hated when I was 6, I would have grown up a lot more fucked up than I already am.  In my own life, if adults and children had been as mean, hurtful, selfish, and childish as the folks of Edgewater Florida, I would have been 100 times more suicidal.  Personally, I feel self esteem is built in these most important early development years, and all that this poor girl is going to see, all that she is going to feel, is contempt and hate from grown ass adults. How do you learn to love yourself, to take care of yourself, when adults chose to show you such horrible sides of human kind so early in life?

It sickens me, that what was once the Greatest Nation on Earth, has fallen so far from what we are built on...

I have one last thing to say to the parents of Edgewater Florida:

You people, you adults, are immature.  You are horrible people.  Here we have an opportunity to protect our children, ALL of them, and at the same time, teach them to care about their friends and peers.  How dare you act so childish. How dare you cause this little girl to miss school. How dare you be so selfish.  Grow the fuck up!

Thank you everyone who is still around reading my blog, I am sorry that I have not had time or motivation to share everything with you guys.  So much has happened, and still is...

...Thank you....

Travis

...Since September 2010

I haven't been on here in so long. It is weird to go back and read everything. I felt that this is going to be something that will come and go, but always come again. Blogging is a lifetime thing for me I do believe.

Any who. A lot, and I could never emphasis how much a lot is, but a lot has happened.

I don't know what to say, or where to start, or whether I should even talk about all the old stuff, or just start again with now.

Hmmmmmm

Let me know.

Travis

I am hurting so bad, and I can't even talk about it.

I am constantly fighting a battle with myself, because there are options in my head that I am dying, just for considering them.  But there are things I am not able to handle.  I am trying so hard to be everything I can not.  I am trying so hard....

I am going through a lot of things right now, and I don't want to talk.  I just want to vent, but the outlets I have I can not use, and the people I want to, I can't.

I am so lost.

When do I get to be happy for real?

I love You

Goodnight blog world. I will update on a regular basis again someday....
Travis

.......To You......

I love you

I guess I just wasn't where you needed me.....

I am sorry

Travis

I Don't Know Where To Begin....

I left everyone hanging, and for that I am sorry.....

So the past month or so has been, an adventure, to say the least.

I have no idea where to begin, as usual, lol, and I want to tell you all some things I have to keep to myself, but I will talk to you as best as I can....

June 22, that was the day that I became a we, and I am loving it.   He makes me smile, even when there is nothing that I want to smile about.  He takes care of me, especially when I need it most, and having him in my bed every night has made my dreams so much better.  I don't know if he knows it, but I try to show him how much I care.  I hope he knows, god, I hope he knows.

I am starting to try and get back on track in life.  I am planning on getting back into school, I have a job that pays me, and I am almost caught up on all my bills(other than student loans).

My boyfriend and I are kind of freaks. We love to have someone else involved with us, which keeps things kind of spicy.  But we are also pretty picky, so we arent just messing around with random people.....we are smart, and safe about it.

Work is kind of crazy. I am sort of tired of where I am, employment wise, but I don't want to quit.  I like the people I work with, and I like having the money to pay my bills.  It just sucks that I am minimum wage, when it is impossible to survive on a job that would pay 10 dollars an hour.  I keep trying to save money to pay for my phone, but it is complicated when you are only bringing in 150 bucks a week, and having to buy your own food, toiletries, pay back bills, and try to help your parents.  I know people think that I should be able to save, but it gets very hard when I can't get ahead a little bit.  I am seriously thinking about getting another job, just so I can make some money to save.  I don't know how I am going to do it in the fall though when I get back into classes.

I am just going to have to take it one step at a time....like I have done all my life.

I know this sounds sooooo repetitive, but I am seriously missing traveling the country, working with exotic animals, trying to raise the awareness and donations for my favorite rescue organization.  I think I have posted a link before, but I am going to again.  I used to work for the GW Exotic Animal Park based in Oklahoma, but I quit to take care of some personal issues, and work out my problems at home.  Well, and I say this a lot, not a day goes by that I don't think about it, and I think about the what if's....It just happens, and I know I shouldn't dwell, but who knows....

I keep thinking about my boyfriend, and I have so much I want to tell everyone about him, and I, but I am starting to keep more to myself for personal reasons, plus I don't trust my current employer not to use something they read in my blog against me, even though it is kind of illegal ish.

I am going to let you guys go for now, but I am going to try and update regularly again.  It has been so complicated

Love You

Travis

Quickie

IS HAPPY!

Ok, so I have absolutely no access to the interwebs so my socialite status is falling....and I am dying not being able to blog to all my followers, and not be able to get on Facebook, or Myspace(yeah, yeah, I know), or Formspring.

Any way, Um, I have a boyfriend, and absolutely happy with him
I just got him a gift the other day that I know he loves.

I want to update more, but I am at a friends having some fun, and I can't waste time online...

Love
Travis

So a short lil update....ish. lol

I don't know where to begin. So much has been happening, and I can not remember all that has happened since the last post of mine.   I know that I have to write a few more letters, and I have so much to talk about to let you guys know that I am happy.  I just really don't know where to start. Ask me things, I don't know what to say. lol

There is a guy that I am talking to, well, again.
Years ago, even before I had come out of the closet, there was a boy, he went to another school than mine, but some how we met online and talked.  Well, after time went on I developed a monster crush on him.  I can honestly say that he was my first crush.  Unfortunately, as we grew up, and time progressed, we drifted apart, and never talked.
Fast forward to a couple weekends ago, and guess who I see at the bar, WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!
Yupp! Boy! and he was looking fine!
Well, he had a man at the moment, and I kind of played a roll in breaking that up, but in my defense, his boyfriend is a douche, and a bad person, and one of the few people I would go to jail for kicking their ass
We are talking now, but I am fearing a lot of things.  Plus I feel like that I have caught him in a lie already, and my foresight has been giving me glimpses that I am not sure are the future, or just my fears manifesting themselves in my minds eye.  It sucks though, because I am not usually wrong, and this is one of the times I am begging not to be right.

Work has been good, it's a lot of fun with my co-workers, but society as a whole are douche bags. I hate working with people.  God I miss animals.

I wish I could find a better paying job though.  Minimum wage is killing me.  It doesn't help that all I hear from some of my closest friends is how I need to be saving money, but I am not making more than 160 dollars a check.  Maybe if I was making lots of money, I wouldn't have a problem saving and paying off my old bills. I wouldn't be trying to get my school loans deferred, I wouldn't be without a cell phone, I would NOT be living at home. But I do not have the luxury of making a lot of money every check.
Now, I do spend my money, I buy alcohol for myself on the weekends, and a chaser, and pay my way into the bar on the one night we get hit with a cover. I also buy my food, and tip my waitress when we go out.  So when you look at me, like you know better than me, and that I am a child, it pisses me off, because in three nights of all that, it takes most of my money. The rest I spend on the food that feeds me maybe once a day while I am working.  It makes it tough to even think about paying my back bills when I can not even pay for my food all week.

Another rant.

If one more straight person talks to me about their failing relationships, or talk to me about their friends relationships, I might slap the hell out of them.  As a gay man, I hear that we are the sexually promiscuous ones, the ones who sleep around, the ones who die alone.  But all I am seeing from the straight friends is all that shit.  Most of the gay people I know don't just hop into bed with someone they met at the fraternity party they happen to be at that night.  No, that is left to the straight people.
So the next time I hear the shit, and the drama, I am going to laugh, and tell you to keep it in your pants, maybe you will be happier after about 6 months, when you realize that sex is not the only thing in the world.

I hope that I am pissing people off tonight.
I am all of a sudden.

Oh yeah. Lesbians have more drama than I could have ever imagined.
Just saying.

I don't know what to say people.  I want to talk about sooooo much more, but like I said before, I do not know where to start.....or continue. lol

Travis

So So Sorry...!

I haven't been able to get on my laptop because the internet I connect to has not been coming in real well, I am really sorry for not being able to post. I am going to try in the next couple of days, even if it takes typing it out first, than copy and paste. lol

He makes me Smile!!!!!

Travis

just wanting to rant, and the such....

"If you see him, tell him I wish him well.  How am I doing? Well sometimes it's hard to tell, I still miss him more than ever, but please don't say a word, if you see him, oh if you see him"

~If You See Him/If You See Her, Reba McEntire with Brooks and Dunn~

I had a dream last night about a couple people in my life, some of them very important, some of them I have always known will be passing through.

Lately, especially when I am drinking, my mind stops registering everything else except for the emotions I am feeling, the stronger they are, the stronger I remember them.  Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me I need to feel more, to stop pushing things aside.  Maybe I need to confront a couple of things that I am not looking to come close to yet....

In my dream, I felt happy.  The kind of happy that I have not really felt in a while.  I am not saying that I am not happy now, but this was a different happy, an amazing, once in a lifetime happy.  I remember someone, I remember their heartbeat, or mine....ours?  I guess I will have to wait and see if it comes true.  In the mean time, I want to address this thing, this "love" that everyone keeps "falling" into.

First, I want to say, I believe that you can fall into love, just as you can fall out of love.  While it is meant to be, and should be, for a lifetime, not all love is created equal, and in life as we change and as the people we interact with change, the love that was once there must thus change also.

Second, I want to say that anyone who thinks they are in love after any shorter of a period than at the very least a year...A YEAR!!!!....is foolish and asking for heartbreak.  I believe that "love", and "in love" are two very different things, and it is all to easy to confuse them.

I wouldn't mind to keep going on this subject, but well, love is just a little boring to me right now.

I also want to send out a FUCK YOU to all you assholes, and bitches, who go to a grocery store, and think that you can treat the employees like they are the earth that you walk on.... Guess what...You are the shit of the earth if you think that you are any better than anyone else.  These people are giving you time out of their days to come into work, and put up with your bullshit day in and day out. What the fuck are you doing to make their day better, because they are stocking everything you are looking at, they are getting the carts that you use, they are asking you if you need help, they are caring about you, not only as a customer, but as a human being, they are ringing you up, and dealing with your bullshit, and they are bagging your groceries.  

So, what they hell are you doing for them?

Just saying, if you are having a bad day, or something just isn't going right in your life, do not come to the store that day thinking it is o.k. to treat the employees like your personal punching bags.  You are not that important, and someday, you are going to do it to the wrong employee, and they are going to snap.  Have you ever had to deal with an angry blue collar worker?  It is not pretty, and we will fuck your shit up.

One more thing, when I am walking, do not, I will repeat, DO NOT! think you are hard when you yell out your window at me.  I can not hear you with my headphones in, so it is useless to try and offend me.  Also, it makes you the Pussy Boy, hiding in your car.  Get out, and give me a reason to kick your ass, because I don't think your hard, I think your a power bottom looking for the fantastic top that is me. 

Relationships need to take a lot longer in life, than a couple weeks, with an expiration soon after its start.

Don't play games in a relationship, and don't lie.  If you say you like someone for any period of time, and the moment you are through say that you never felt anything, you are fooling yourself, and only fucking yourself over.  That lie right there makes you about 100 times easier to get over.

Alright, getting off my little tangents.  I am super pumped for the next couple of months.  I am going to be working on a couple things, that I am hoping will help me out, if not immediately, in the long run.  I have a couple surprises for some people also, but I have to wait till I have a little more money on my hands.

One last thing, I keep lying to the most important person in my life, ME!, and so far it has done me well.

I am avoiding talking to certain people in my life, trying to see if I was foolish or not for like them.  I keep telling myself that I don't think about them, and it actually works, but one of their birthdays is coming up, and I want to send them flowers.  Unfortunately, as far as I know they don't think about me, and I do not want to be the only one to care about someone.  I want there to be a mutuality to the relationships that I ever have, and I am not trying to waste my time getting all caught up on someone who will never be caught up on me.

Anyways, I think that I am talking to much, and I just wanted to make small rants.  I guess if you are reading this though you care about my life, and my happenings, and maybe, you care about me.

Goodnight my friends,

Travis

I feel like Letter Three

"Hoping to find a friend and a lover, God bless the day I discover, another heart, looking for love"
~Looking for Love~ Waylon Jennings

Just an update before I give you Letter Three.

Working a lot for minimum wage is not worth it, I can still barely start to pay any bills.  I know that this is super repetitive, seeing as I talk about it all the time, but I seriously think about working with my old job every single day of my life.
Went to a somewhat local zoo, one I had never been to before, but have always heard great reviews about.  I think that having worked for one, even though I have never been to the park I worked for as an employee, I was far from impressed.  My friend Katie, who I went with and was an employee at the park we worked for, also pointed out more things that I would not have noticed as readily.  The one thing that upset me the most was it looked as though these animals do when their will is broken.  The one spider monkey they had was lethargic, and had moved about 4 feet upwards the entire time we were there.  It was seriously the one thing that has stuck in my mind the most.  I worked closely with a spider monkey while I was touring, and I can remember not a single moment that he was ever lethargic.  Three months.  That was how long I worked, which may not seem like very long at all, but imagine being with an animal every moment, every day.  It adds up.
These animals at this zoo, they looked closer to death than I have ever wanted to see.  Their eyes had shown they gave up living, and were only existing till their bodies gave in.
Now, not all was bad at this park, their enclosures for the most part were super spacious, and they had a great variety of animals.  The animals that are of a domesticated type seemed happy, I even made a new goat friend I named Billeh.(Get it Billy. Lol)  The family's that were there visiting seemed happy, and the children were so excited to see all the animals.  I am glad there is a chance for them so close to home.  I think with a little work, this park could be much better, but my disappointment stems from previous work with a rescue organization.  I am thinking that soon, I am at least going to go and talk to the people who run the zoo, see if they have any plans to work on, and maintain their zoo a bit better in my opinion.

Ok, I want to type you guys letter three.  This one is about my first kiss...I hope you enjoy.

Dear Teacher(no not like school or college),

I remember seeing you the week that I moved into the First Street Residence Hall at the University of Michigan - Flint.  It was going to happen sooner or later, you were employed by the university, and were living in the hall.  That is all I am going to say about your personal life, I know people know who you are, but I want to let you have your privacy.
We talked here and there, over the time leading up to our meeting.  Maturity wise, I was not as far as I am now, and you were, at least what I thought, more mature than me.  I think that was the biggest thing that attracted me to you.  You were older than me, and in ways, more mature than me, but not so far to be a boring person.  And you had amazing eyes....
One night, I was in a friends room, talking to you on the computer, and our conversation turned to a more personal chat.  I started showing my innocence, talking about how little I had done, and how I was trying to find someone to learn from, while doing a little bit more.  I kind of played up to the fact you had said earlier you had been drinking.  Well, soon enough you were inviting me to your room, I had said I was looking to cuddle more than anything.
Fast forward about 10 minutes, and I am standing in your room.  Your bed is lofted on the right, opposite corner, a desk immediately to my right.  On my left is a keyboard, and I think to myself, wondering if you can play at all.  I decide it makes you about 2 times hotter just having it.
You were standing behind me, and you close the door as you turn the light off.  I walk to the ladder standing close to it, seeing the outline of your body as you slip your t-shirt over your head. The rustle of fabric falling to the floor as you slide your pants down and step out of them.  My heart starts beating a little faster, when I move to take my clothes off, I struggle a little bit with shirt.  Even though it is dark, and only outlines can be seen, I hurry up the ladder in my underwear, to lay down.  I am very self conscience and I don't want to risk you seeing my body.  I can see you coming up the ladder, and as you lie yourself down, my heart starts to race.  We kind of make a little small talk, and I admit that I have never really kissed anyone.  I feel kind of embarrassed, but you just smile and move closer.
The moment your lips come into contact with mine, my heart skips a beat, and flutters, and my body starts to shiver.  In my head I pray that you don't stop, and hope that you don't notice my body and the reactions to your touch.
You start to coach me in things that you have experienced, and things that you like, one kiss on the cheek, a little nibble of the ear, and suddenly we are making out, holding each other close.  I am almost positive that my body is going to burst.  Excitement has me aroused so much, and I can feel your arousal pressing against my leg just as much.
I decide to make this more than just kissing and cuddling, and move my body lower.  Kissing your chin, slowly tracing my fingers, following with my mouth to your bare chest.  I slide my fingers over the band of your boxer briefs, and slowly slip them down your legs, allowing you to pull your legs out one at a time.  Looking up your body, I am ready to start.

We saw each other a couple more nights after that, all of them quite amazing, and I don't think I slept much at all.  I know that every time, I was set on kissing.  The first time I ever did it, and though we don't really talk much anymore, I am reminded every time I kiss someone else that I was taught by you.  It was amazing, and I still don't think that what I have written has done justice to my feelings.

Thank You for my first kiss

Travis

P.S.
This comic cracks me up, and I loved this one. Lol


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

It.Has.Been.Too.Long.

I have been missing in action in the blog lately and I feel like that has not been good for me, and been a little more boring for you.  I hope that no one hates me for it. Haha

I am sitting here getting ready for work, thinking about all the things that were keeping me awake last night, and I think that I should start writing political speeches. Lol.  One giant thing that has been on my mind and on the mind of most of America is gay marriage.  Being a gay man, I do not understand most of the arguments against it, and I am also unable to understand how people can hate, I mean HATE, a human being because they are not the same as them.  I do not understand how a country that believes that it is the "greatest" can allow inequality and discrimination in the 21st century.  I can not understand why Americans can not treat each other as equals.  But, in our history, have we ever not persecuted and condemned minorities?

That is all I want to talk about right now, I don't want to be late for work, and if I keep going, I won't stop till I am finished.  I am going to start asking questions of key people in my life, and I am hoping not to lose them, but in order to change the world, I am not going to stand to have the most important people against me.

Have a great week! I am going to try and get more post's soon.  I know that letter three is long overdue....

Travis

Letter Two, Not my best, but I wanted to keep it short......

So lately I have been working.  I think after these next couple paychecks I am going to save a bunch, probably about 800 dollars, and head down to the auction. I am going to go buy myself a car, and then I am going to leave.  Well, maybe not leave, but I will buy myself a car soon.  Plus I have to start saving for my apartment.

Had a lot of other things on my mind, but I don't really feel like talking about them.  I am tired of hearing other peoples advice about what I should do, I  know what I want to do, and I know what I have to do, and I will make them work together for me.  Life is not about balance, because balance is compromise. It is about living, and I think I have been failing to do that lately.  Now I got a job, I am taking my life off the back burner, and turning the heat on high...

On to the second letter of my series.

Dear Keeper of my V-Card, June 9, 2008

That day still stands in my mind.

I am not really sure what I want to say to you, I guess I just want to talk.  I know that a replay of everything doesn't need to happen, I think, or at least hope, you look back at that night every once in a while.  I do.  I mean, it was the first time I connected with a man, well, young man, and I was terrified, yet totally at ease.  I think that if it was with anyone else, I don't think I would have been as happy.  You were the right person for me to cross the boundaries into a new life.  For that I have to say, I am forever in your debt.

Unfortunately you are straight, though I am not so sure, that is what you choose to go by, and I made the mistake of talking to the wrong people about it.  I know I had said I was not going to talk about it, but in my defense, I could not hide the fact I lost my virginity to someone, especially what a great friend that you were, and the opportunity I had to be with you in a way that is shared with few people throughout a person's life.

It was a thursday, the only way I really remember that is because I did not have class the next morning.  My best friend and I, were just getting out of class, and I needed to pay my phone bill.  I guess it was a good thing, because it was a bit overdue, and I am glad that I did.  We were standing in the Sprint store, waiting to talk to someone about a couple of things, when my phone rang.  I look at the screen and see your name, and ask my friend, why you would be calling.  I thought maybe it was to get a hold of her.  You had been pining for her throughout high school.  I press the answer button, and we start talking a little bit.  You tell me the reason you called was to see if I had my sisters number.  I gave it to you, not really caring or anything why you wanted it, and we kept talking.  One thing leads to another, and we decide to hang out after I pay my bill.  Nothing unusual there.

When we get to your house, the three of us just chat for a while, you are on myspace, listening to ICP. You were wearing shorts and a white t-shirt, and some skater shoes. As usual.  I pet your animals, at least one cat, and one dog.  I love animals.

I am amazed that I still remember all of this.

We were only there a little bit, we were planning on going and seeing Wanted, with Angelina Jolie.  Yeah, I remember the movie even.  On our way to the mall, I get on my phone, and send you a message on myspace.  It was simple, short, sweet.  

"Hey,

have you ever done anything, or thought about it, with a guy?

Travis"

Thats all it said, but those words led to one of the most pivotal moments in anyone's life, more importantly, my life.  The friend I was with, well, I told them I sent the message, and we kind of talked about it, but figured nothing was going to come it.  Even still I kept my phone in my hands throughout the whole movie.  I was hoping that you would reply something.  To my  dismay, nothing happened, no texts, no emails, no IM's.  But well, I had not expected much of anything.  I figured that the answer was just a no, and I left it at that.

Boy was I wrong...

Walking out to the car, it was about eleven when the movie ended, my phone rang.  Who else could it be, but you?  My heart jumped a little bit, I was curious to see what you had to say, so I answered.

"Hey, I'm kind of bored.  Do you guys want to come chill at my house for a little bit?"

"Sure.  We'll be there in a minute, the movie just ended."

"Ok." Click

I was expecting more than that, but it was something, and we were on our way to your house.  I knew that something was going to happen, or at least I was pretty much begging god for it.

Jump forward the short drive to your house, I am sitting in your living room, watching whatever the skating show that you had playing was.  I was getting pretty tired, we had gotten up early for our summer school classes, and I was so ready to sleep in the next morning.  You and my friend were standing at your computer in the kitchen, you were typing and playing different things, and they were leaning on your little island counter.  I figured then that you had called to get to my friend, and I was slightly disappointed, but not hurt or anything.  You come out then, with them, and we just start talking about random things, and you tell us more about the show on the t.v. that I have been watching.  I keep thinking how hot you are compared to those skaters on.  You could definitly do better than them.

There I am dozing off, when you say the best line I have ever heard, or at least for the moment.  You let us know that we can just spend the night at your house, telling us that your parents are gone to Holland for the weekend, and your brother is already in bed sleeping.  I am pretty much down for this, how else was I going to get in the same room with you?  Of course I say sure.  But my friend says they got to go, they want to do somethings at home before bed.  YES!

They head out to their car, you walk them out, and I hear you guys talking, not paying any attention to what about.  It gets quiet, I assume you two hug, and then I hear the car door shut.  You come back in the house, and sit in the chair towards the couch I am laying on.  I hear outside the car start, and the gravel underneath the tires as my friend pulls out.  My senses suddenly go into overdrive.  I am starting to wake up a bit when you say what I never thought I would hear:

"I read your email."

"Yeah?"

"You wanna head up to my room?"

HOLY SHIT!!!!! No fucking way is this for real!

You lead me up the stairs, to the first door on the left.  Your room.  Your bed is in the opposite corner from the door, against his open closet.  You have posters and a lot of different things written all over your walls.  Even your ceiling has writing from all the visitors that you have had.  I wonder to myself how many of these people have gotten as far as I was about to be.  A shiver ran down my spine, and I smile.

We ended up tangled up in eachother, never kissing, but the closeness, almost intimacy was still there.  We both touched, and smelled, and saw eachother in a rare way, and the feelings, I can only think were mutual.  At one point, we took a break, and you put on some pants, and grabbed your guitar.  I have never admitted it, until now, but the song you wrote, the one you sang, it made me smile.  I am not sure if you sing for all your fucks, but it made me feel like that was right.  I think you really know how to woo a person, once they are already in your bed.  For you, I am not including the details of everything that happened.  I feel it is the least that I can do.

I lost you as a friend, soon after this night.  I broke the promise that I made to you, and for it, I am sorry.  You had asked me not to tell anyone, and I, being young, and stupid, told someone I thought that I trusted.  I have learned from this, and I rarely tell anything to anyone because of the betrayel you have faced, and I have to.  

If by chance, you read this, maybe you can see the impact you had in my life, and the want for that friendship, even a fraction of it, back.  Maybe you can find somehow to forgive me someday.  I am sorry.

Travis

A Rant To A Best Friend

"And, I know that it's complicated, but I'm a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass, to mend all the broken hearts, with all my wrecked up friends"

Ok. So I am totally writing Letter two right now, but while I am, I want to talk about something else so I thought I would write a different post right now.  I guess I have a couple things that are really bugging me and I want to get them off my chest.

The first is that, and I am not naming any names, and in fact, I am not going to talk about it to much, but I have met a goal on my bucket list that I have been trying to get for a quite some time.  It was pretty awesome, and as much as I want to tell a few people about it, I am just going to keep it to myself.  I have to keep some secrets, or what fun would it be to find someone I can tell everything to?

Second, I have broke the law a bit over the last two days, but doing it gave me a chance to think about things that I have been putting off.  Sometimes, even when I am thinking, I hide from certain things, and this helped me face them a little.  I am not going to say what I did, or what I thought about, but I think that I have really been avoiding too much.  I really haven't been wanting to confront the things that are going to hurt.

Third, This one has really been bugging me.  Especially these last couple days.  Two of my best friends, and two people I trust very much are having a bit of dispute and I think it is getting kind of childish.  I have watch this thing come into life, I have watched it growing bigger, and I have recently seen it rear its big ugly head.

One of my friends, we will call her Beetle met a girl, we will call her Jane, around the same time that I came home, and soon after they started to date. I was pumped for her in all honesty.  Unfortunately, my friend wound up with a broken heart, and this girl, as she has told me, only wants to be friends.  Well, I have been watching this girl play with Beetles heart, and go after another one of my friends, we will call Iron, and I am starting to get sick of it.  She is tearing apart a good friendship, and has absolutely no remorse for it.  Oh yeah, she is still in high school.  I guess that says a lot....
At a party in the recent past, we were all there, a couple of things happened that I am slightly disappointed in.
Jane and Iron ended up going outside, because Jane had been telling Iron a lot of things, and talking about a lot between her and Beetle, and I am not sure all that happened outside, but I know that they ended up kissing, and that was the end.  When they came back in, Iron said she needed to talk to me about something, and that was it, I knew we would talk the next day, when we weren't surrounded by people.
Well, i guess that Jane here, has told Beetle that Iron was going after her, and that she has making moves at her behind Beetle's back.
That, I know for a fact, is a fucked up lie.  Iron has not, would not, and will never want Jane like that.  She has told me everything that has been going on with it, and I have been reading all the texts on how she has talked to her, and talked shit about Beetle also.
It hurts me to see my friends being played by someone who Beetle "loves" and has only been in our lives for a short while.  I think that something is seriously fucked up when you don't trust someone who has been there for you for years, and has not ever, EVER, given you a reason to not trust them....
You know you feel betrayed, but it is fucked up that you will not even believe the one person who has seen you leap into relationships, and fall hard when they ended.  She did not betray you, the one you think that you have "fallen in love" with is the one that is toying with your heart, and fucking with your head, and talking more shit than you will know about you.

I love you, but open your eyes.  And I hope you get pissed reading this, because I have been reading your blogs, and following your life, and hoping that you won't keep getting hurt.  You don't want any advice anymore, which is a big reason I don't tell you shit, but you also need to know I don't tell your secrets either.  You said something a couple days that I really felt hurt by, and I just smiled and changed the subject.  You are hurting your friends, and it is only getting worse. I trust you, and I wish you would take time to trust me, but you, I am not sure why, don't, or at least you don't act like it.

I have turned this into a rant, and I did not want to.
I have also gone off on someone that I did not want to.  I love them very much, but I don't want them to be hurt, and I don't want any of our other friends to be hurt either.  I would love to say this in person, but I don't get anytime with them to talk anymore....

Thanks guys, and Letter Two is for real almost done.  I have passed my writers block, and I will post it soon.

Travis

Quick Update. Letter two is almost done....

Hey,

I just wanted to update everyone on how I am doing.
Today(Saturday) is the funeral for another family friend of ours that died of accidental causes early this week.  My big sister has been super torn up about this, it was her best friend, and this girl was the same age as me.  I know this is a bit of a pessimistic attitude, but I believe these things happen in three's, so I am waiting for number three.
I am also going to Grand Rapids today to see the tigers!!!
I am so excited to see some babies, and I can't wait to see a couple people that I really have been missing.  I wish more of the old crew could come out and get together, but we are split up through a couple different states. Haha.

Ok, I am headed to work.  I work from 8:15 until 12:15, and it really sucks because I did not fall asleep till 4, and I got up about 6:45.
Oh well

Thanks for reading, and I know everyone is looking forward to letter number two... I am typing it know, and I will be on my way to Grand Rapids, so it should be up pretty soon.  Sorry it is taking me so long....

Travis

Letter One...A new endeavor....

So starting a new project.  I talked about it a little bit in a previous post.  I don't think that it is going to give me anything, other than an outlet, but I am going to write letters to all my ex-somethings.  I won't use any names, and I am not sure how into detail I am going to go.  I just feel like in order to keep track, I need to do this.  I also am feeling more and more like, as the famous quote goes, "Nice Guys Finish Last."

Dear first anything,

It was a year and a half after I had come out of the closet before I ever had the chance to try anything with anyone.  And for some reason, you were the first person I had the gift of trying things with.  I am still not sure, and I ask myself everyday, why you would let me.  I wonder, maybe someday if you will reveal your secret to the world.  And I know that you are straight.

That summer was awesome.  I was seventeen, and you were staying here, you had some troubles, and we were the place you chose to come.  You called it home for a short while.  Weirdly enough, you made us into a family, your family.
We also had got one of those small blow up pools.  Another first for me.  The most I ever had for a pool was a slip and slide.  While this one was not the best in the world, it was good enough to chill in, and to be in the water.  Plus, at night, it made for an awesome time to go skinny dipping.  I can't count the many times we did.  Often times, we would chill out after in the basement, the spare room we had, sitting on the couch, playing video games or watching some movies.  I would steal glances at you, not in a sexual way, but it just seemed like you would not be unreceptive to my looking.  You work hard to look good, and we had talked so much over the past couple of years about a lot.  I would never stare, but I was sure you had seen me glancing more than once.  You knew most of my secrets at the time.
There was a night, not unlike any other that had happened.  We went swimming that night, and smart us, left our towels on the other side of the yard.  You, being the brave one, stood right up, stepped out of the pool, and with the water coursing through your hair, dripping down onto your neck, and shoulders, running down your back, over your perfect ass, past your thighs, over your calves, and into the grass, you walked right over, grabbed a towel, and started to dry off.  You stood right there, turning your body slightly towards me as I tried to look away, and gave me a small hint of you.  I felt the must trust from you at this point.  I felt you knew I looked, and you did not care.  I felt something in me stir, something that said, wow.
You were straight though.  So I looked away.
We ended up, our same routine, in the spare room downstairs, sitting on the couch, me in a towel and a t-shirt, you in a pair of ice colored boxer briefs.  The show Invader Zim is on, but we are busy just talking about anything and everything.  It's amazing that people who see each other everyday, most of the days, can still find things to find to talk about.  I have no idea how, but talking about being gay, and everything it entails came up.  I found out all the things you would never do with a guy, at least not without a lot, a lot, of money involved, and definitely no chance of "remembering" it.  I am not sure why, but I felt a little sad in the pit of my stomach.  I think maybe I had lost a small glimmer of hope in the back of my head.
That night, it was very late going to bed, and you slept in the bed outside the spare room, and my room was upstairs.  As I was walking up the stairs to go to bed, you asked me to turn the light off.  Somewhere between the three steps from the stairs to the pullcord on the light, I grew some balls, and blurted out
"Can I just taste 'it'?"
I had prepared myself for the answer, but when you responded, I was beyond astounded.
"Turn off the Light."
You can believe I had that light off before you finished that sentence.  I heard you pull your shorts down, and then
"All right."
It was like an ancient instinct took over me as I sat on the edge of that twin mattress.  I had my eyes shut, uselessly since the light was off, and I slowly leaned forward.  I ran my hand up your thigh, and found what I was looking for, slowly wrapping my hands around it.  You had a semi. I look back, wondering if that means anything.  I lean a little bit closer, hearing you breath in sharply as my lips wrap around what I never thought would happen.  As soon as it starts, I end it.  I did not want to cross a line that would ruin our friendship.  I walk up the stairs, wondering if what I did was already too much.

We sleep well into the afternoon, only waking up when having to take a piss, and getting hunger pains wakes us.  You come upstairs, and I am watching t.v. I had only been up about five minutes, but already you look more awake than me.  I notice your body, moving in the pajama pants you borrow from me.  I can see an outline of you in them.  I remember last night, and think maybe it is a dream.  I ask you, if I did anything out of line last night, and you say, no.  That is when I knew it was not a dream.
Later in the day, we are chilling upstairs in my sisters room.  She is gone to a memorial for our friends grandfather.  The television is on, again with background noise, and we are talking.  The whole time, I am trying to think of a way to do it again.  Just once.  I try to steer the conversation into the direction that will open up the topic, but it feels like you are also trying to avoid this topic.  I can feel courage, welling up inside me.  I keep trying to say something, but every time I quickly blurt out something different.  But, the courage, it continues to grow.
"Can I do it again?"
You look right at me.  Your eyes, they meet mine, they say something to me, but I am not sure, I can not quite see your answer, but I feel like they are happy, like you want to say yes.  I am not sure what you are going to say, but I hope that you say yes.
"Do what,"
You say, a smirk on your face, the lines at the end of your lips creating small dimples on your cheeks.
I don't want to say it out loud, my dad is sitting right downstairs watching t.v. and I know the door is only half closed.  So I whisper
"You know, what happened last night.  I was just wondering, if maybe, you know, it could happen, a little bit longer?"
"Are you going to tell anyone?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I, I, I don't know.  I guess, well, it would be my first time."
You still have that smirk.  I think that you have the answer, and I feel like maybe it is in my favor.  You look away a second, maybe to look like you are thinking, maybe you really are thinking, but it is only for a moment.  You look back at me, nod your head, and lay back, ready.
My heart starts to race, and my mind starts to skip a few beats. I move down to the end of the mattress, this one is larger, but on the floor.  Looking back I realize it makes for easier access to a holy part that so many hold dear.  I move up into the split of your legs, wrap my fingers over the waist of the pajama pants you are wearing and slide them down.  As you flop out, I notice again that you have a semi, not to mention you are hung like a horse.  Again, I wrap my hand around it, lowering my open mouth down to taste you once again.  The moment I reach it, my tongue having barely touched it, it perks right up, and for a split second, I worry I am not going to do this right.  But, those ancient animal instincts, the ones that help everyone who knows how to find them, kick in, and my mind goes blank, and they take over.
It only lasts a few minutes, you finish quick, I am sure it has been a long time since this has happened for you. And I return to myself.  I calm that animal that rears its glorious head back and lets loose, begging to be released again soon.  I look up your body, past your rising stomach, and over your toned chest, and into your eyes.  They have changed color slightly, from the hazel they are to more green then brown.  You look relaxed, and I say the only thing that comes to mind
"I'm hungry."
You laugh, and we go downstairs to find some food.

I remember that summer with you every time I talk about my 'brother'.  You are the first person I ever did anything with, and you, unknowingly, allowed me to solidify myself.  I have always trusted you the most, out of almost anybody in my life.  I keep in contact with you, and I consider you the best family, the only brother, that I have.  I may never do anything with you, and I will forever be happy with that.  We have moved past that, and grown into something more.  Maybe carrying the secret of those days has brought us closer, but I would never trade them in for anything different.

Thank You so much for always being there, for being someone I could trust, for being my 'Brother'

Travis

Short and Sweet

alright
so last night was rough, but I'm over it.
the only thing that I ask myself:

Why the F*** do I not fight for what I want?

I mean, seriously!

I also need a different job.  Bagboy is not going to cut it. Not for minimum wage(7.40)

Thinking bout taking a walk.  Might be gone a long time....

Work tomorrow.

Travis

Once again, I learn to never let my fences down....

"Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"

~I'm not that girl, Wicked~

(Second Post, I know)

I said bye.  That's the second time in one month.  I think there is something wrong with me.

I don't know why either.  I listened to them.  I spoke to them.  I shared some of my fears, and some of my hopes.  My emotions, my dreams(literally), and my time.

And it was amazing.

But I went, and did it again.  I did it all for the one person I could never truly make happy.  Rules make me mad.  I am tired of not having anything in life to offer.  I am sick of not knowing if the person I open up to is ever going to truly open up to me.  And I know you are going to read this.

Please don't feel bad.  I don't blame you.  I don't think you are wrong.  I just need to vent, and this is my venue. I don't want you to feel bad.  I understand where you are coming from.  I understand that your past has given you inhibitions.  I understand.

I'm not mad.  I did it myself. I think to fast, and speak to much.  Then, even though I know I should not, I start to like.  And I lied.  I know, I said a lot that I did not see it like that, but even keeping it in the back of my mind, I did get my hopes up.  I hope that you do not think that I am mad at anyone, or that anything is wrong.  I guess I just thought maybe I was different now.  Especially now that you know I am not all that you that I was.

As long as you smile, I am happy.

Please....

You can have my coat anytime.

Travis

just an update. better one later....

"Don't dream to far, don't lose sight of who you are, don't remember that rush of joy"
~I'm Not That Girl, Wicked

Today, well, it was a roller coaster to say the least.

As my earlier post says, I laid someone dear to me to rest today, but that was not the end of my day.

I chilled at home for a few hours, and decided I wanted to go see a movie.  So, I started talking to someone that I don't get to hangout with much, and well, we planned it out.  We had intended to go see How To Train Your Dragon.  I also got a hold of another one of my friends I have not seen in ages, and she said she might be able to make it.  I was super hoping she could.
So we get to the movie theatre, and surprise! She could make it. lol.
At the counter for the movie, the girl tells us that it is half full, and filling up fast, which is cool, except I can't really sit in a theatre full of little kids for a long time, I would go crazy. We decided to go see Bounty Hunter. I can honestly say, I liked it. It lived up to my expectations, and made me laugh quite a bit.

After, we kind of just rode around, finding random things to do. Go to Wal-Mart, sneak into a local dam, look at sculptures at my high school.  You know, the same ol' same ol' stuff.
We also got to talk, which is something good for me, but I liked to listen a lot more.
I don't want to say this, knowing that it can't happen, and the person reads my blog, but well, someday down the road, it would be nice.  They took my mind off a lot, including my papa dying, and a boy from which I should get over.  I am not saying that it will, but I definitely think that the future holds many mysteries.

I think in the end though I need to say thank you to them.  They did get me through today, and it was good to know that someone was there.
So....
Thank You!!!!
....you know who you are....

I have an awesome idea for a blog post, but I did not want to be up all night(contradictory of my blog title) writing it. Maybe I will do it like a series, or in different chunks.

Thanks For Reading.

Travis

See You Again Someday...

Goodbye for now.
There are only rare occasions that I will say goodbye, it is usually see you later, or talk to you later, or peace, or something like that.  I hate to say goodbye, its too final, too formal.
I hate the finality of it.

Today I said goodbye.

At least for now it is goodbye.

Rest In Peace  Papa Percy....

Travis

I Made It Through The Night

"And do you know, that everydays the first, of the rest, of, your life"

~Angels On The Moon, Thriving Ivory~

I had a dream the night before last that someone close to me had passed away.  I slept until 3:30 yesterday.  Woke up, and found out my Papa Percy had succumbed to his battle with cancer.
That stings quite a bit.

I am not so much sad, as relieved that he is no longer suffering.  I know that we will all meet again, and I know that he is no longer hurting.  So no, I did not have that rough of a day.  I just sat, chilled, and remembered.  It is scary how dealing with death can come almost naturally anymore.  But I guess that is just a part of my life.

I wanted to let everyone know about this, so that I could not dwell on the negative. Positive things have been happening for me also.

My Aunt, and Mom, and Dad surprised me with an iPod Touch on my sisters birthday.  I think this is the first solid gift I have gotten that had any real value in a few years.  I hid it well, but I almost started to cry. Lol.  I am very happy with it so far.  Though my music alone takes up most of the space, and I don't have the movies that I have downloaded on there. I guess I am going to have to pick and choose what I want on there, and when.

I am going to go now, thinking I am going to hang out downtown, and see some people. I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up and watched The Pretender.  I think I'm going to be with Katie for a while.  I hope we go to the movies, I have a free ticket that needs to get used.

Thanks everyone for taking time out of life to read about mine.

Travis